A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous, offering whoever gave the most money the chance to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered up a total of $1,000. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said: “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A teenage boy was buying an expensive bracelet to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. The jeweller asked: “Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?”
The boy thought for a moment, grinned, then answered: “No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love’.”
The jeweller smiled and said: “Yes sir, how very romantic of you.”
The boy retorted with a glint in his eye: “Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.”
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says: “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.”
The man says: “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either,” he replied. “I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”