A man is brought into his new prison cell. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says: “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”
The new man asked: “What happened?”
“Ah well,” the old man replied, “One day Riley reported his credit cards missing.”
A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter. “What in heaven’s name are you up to?” she asked.
“Killing flies,” he said.
“Oh. Get any?”
“Yep, two males, three females,” he answered.
“Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?”
“Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone.”
A man goes into a bar and orders a vodka and coke. The barman serves him. The man drinks it and orders another. This goes on for a while, until the man begins to slow down.
The barman asks: “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The man replies: “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman says: “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The man answers: “You don’t understand. This is the last night.”