A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
“Well, since it’s your birthday,” the bartender said. “This one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman to her right said: “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
“Thank you, how sweet of you,” she replied. “OK, then, bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man to her left said: “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said: “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said: “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied: “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, visited a roadside Inn called ‘George and the Dragon’.
He knocked at the door and the Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out of a window. “Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked. “That I might have a word with George?”
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied: “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said: “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself: “Why didn’t someone just say so?”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said: “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”