An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.
It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.
He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: “Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”
A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.
The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times.
When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it.
The mother said: “Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God: “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says: “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks: “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says: “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says: “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies: “In a sec.”