Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said. “You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said: “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: “And just what do those symbolise?”
The man replied: “They’re Carol’s.”
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW VIDEO GAME. I PRAY FOR A NEW HAT.”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said: “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied: “No, but Grandma is!”
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said: “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
Sarah and her 13-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehaviour,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialled. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked Mrs. Claus (really Sarah’s aunt) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as the mum described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when the mum said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, the mother asked: “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated: “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”