A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well-dressed, but obviously drunk, man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” yells the man as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says: “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well-dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches.
The bartender thinks: “This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him up last night.”
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says: “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat up the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” says Margaret. “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie,” says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“Well! I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices?” asks Barbara with a big excited smile. “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! All he speaks about is me!”
Jack strode into John’s stable looking to buy a horse. “Listen here,” said John. “I’ve got just the horse you’re looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream ‘Hey Hey’ and the way to get him to go is to scream ‘Thank God’.”
Jim nodded his head and said: “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”
Jim was having the time of his life and this horse sure could run. He was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead. “Stop!” he screamed, but the horse kept on going.
No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “Yo Yo!” screamed Jim, but the horse just kept on speeding ahead.
It was five metres from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered. “Hey Hey!” Jim screamed.
The horse skidded to a halt just a centimetre from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction: “Thank God.”
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