A guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”
The guy replies: “Well I’ve got these two horses, and well I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods”.
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says: “That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it”.
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The guy, in no condition to be in public, answers: “I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says: “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back”.
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the guy is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I shaved the mane of one of the horses, and it just grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells: “For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please”.
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds: “Genius… no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable. The food was terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations were awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said. “It is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said. “But I’ve sat on it.”