Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced: “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed: “Golly, it worked!”
Puzzled, his mother asked: “What do you mean?”
“Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!” little Johnny replied.
One night, a prison guard met with three inmates.
“You’ve been in here for years,” the guard said. “I’ll help you escape if you can pass one simple test. But if you fail the test, you’ll have five years added to your sentence.”
The prisoners readily agreed. In the dead of night, the guard collected them from their cells and took them to a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool.
“Jump in!” the guard said.
The first prisoner jumped head-first into the pool and broke both arms.
Then the second prisoner jumped in and and broke both legs.
The third prisoner looked over the side and refused to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man,” the guard said. “Just tell me why didn’t you jump.”
To which the third prisoner answered, “Well, sir, I can’t swim!”
A man was lining up his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity.
He was looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and calculating the speed.
Finally, his golf partner was fed up. “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” the first man said. “I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner. “You haven’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”