Voicemail greetings so funny you’ll want to miss calls

Let’s be honest – most voicemail greetings are painfully dull. A quick “leave your message” and that’s it.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Whether you lean into sarcasm, absurd humour or full-blown sci-fi roleplay, a clever voicemail message can leave a lasting impression (and maybe even make someone laugh before the beep).

From tongue-in-cheek one-liners to over-the-top characters, here are some of the funniest voicemail greetings to inspire your next upgrade.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Hello. I’m available right now, but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message, and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hi, this is Brian. If you’re part of the problem, hang up now. If you’re part of the solution, leave a message.

Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi, this is Ali. I’m sorry, I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Please repeat the secret code, and if you get it right, I will call you back!

Hello. I’m not here right now, so leave a message! Make it short, make it sweet, or I’ll have to press delete.

Bobby’s voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number, and they will get back to you.