These jokes about burglars and thieves are criminally funny

They say crime doesn’t pay – but these jokes certainly do. From the burglar who fell into wet cement and became a hardened criminal overnight, to the thief who stole a dictionary and had no words for his defence, we have rounded up twelve of the best jokes about crooks, cons and criminal masterminds that went very slightly wrong. The one about the police station toilets is, frankly, a work of art. And the 80-year-old witness who silenced an entire courtroom? A legend.

When the burglar fell into wet cement, he became a hardened criminal overnight.

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defence lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”

I got arrested for stealing a dictionary, but I have no words to defend myself.

“Get this.” said the Tom to his mates, “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

“Did he get anything?” his mates asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a kick in the  nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

The kleptomaniac always takes things literally—and physically.

My friend robbed a bakery because he kneaded the dough desperately.

The thief broke into the police station to steal their toilets, and now the cops have nothing to go on.

I stole a boat because I wanted to test the waters of crime.

When the cat burglar got caught, he claimed it was all a mis-fur-standing.

The mathematician thief only steals odd numbers because she can’t even.

I robbed a mirror factory, but I can see myself getting caught for this one.