If you’re like me, you’re probably used to getting tons of unwanted phone calls. Isn’t it enough that we get so much junk mail? And now we have to deal with it over the phone.
Perhaps Robo callers assume that I’m a lonely senior, just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. Unless I recognise the number, I rarely answer, as I know it’s a solicitor. But upon occasion, I do, simply out of curiosity.
Usually, there’s a pause before somebody begins speaking. It’s always the same. They always ask how I’m doing before they launch into telling me about something urgent that I need to address.
Usually, I hang up and block the caller, but if I don’t, here are a few choice phrases I plan to use:
- You must have ESP to know what type of computer I own.
- Harold, is that you? Where’s my alimony check?
- Sorry. I lost my house in the divorce settlement.
- Oh, I thought you were calling to ask how to contribute to my GoFundMe page.
- I don’t need any free Covid-19 tests. Got any stem cells?
- I’m not well today, I’m going to my mother’s funeral.
- My chemo treatments aren’t covered by insurance. Got anything to help me with that?
- How did you get this phone number? I’m in prison.
- My house was robbed last night. How’s your day going?
- My son came home because he lost his job. Mind if he moves in with you?
- The doctor told me I have three weeks to live. Now what are you selling today?
- My house just went into foreclosure. Would you co-sign on a new loan for me?
- Got anything that stops my husband from snoring?
- Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’ve got diarrhea.
- No, this is a burner phone.
- Sorry, I’m an illegal alien.
- No, this is the housekeeper.
- My dog just ran out the front door and bit the neighbour. Can you help me with that?
- No, my husband is not home right now. He’s moving in with his mistress.
- I can’t understand what you’re saying. Perhaps you could text me?
- I’m in the middle of my singing lesson. Mind if I try out this new song on you?
- Do you know what time it is here? You just woke me up.
- Johnnie is that you? Are you still coming over? I just bought some new lingerie!
- I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Let me go find my hearing aids, that is if I can remember where they are.
- Mind if I try out my new whistle on you? I am bedridden and I wanna make sure it works.