Misheard song lyrics made me think Gracie Fields sang about gas producers

My grandson was bemoaning the fact his car didn’t have all the latest gismos and could only go 100 kilometres per hour. I told him that when we first owned our own car in the 1950s, my mother would berate my father for speeding at 35 miles per hour (56km/h today). He thought that was hilarious, but I then thought it might be a good idea to tell him about an earlier car that my uncle proudly showed us. Now this is really showing my age.

My uncle’s car had a gas producer and as he was an avid communicator and would talk the ear off anyone who would listen, I became quite knowledgeable about gas producers. I didn’t always understand his explanations, but I do remember him telling me that a gas producer converted carbon into gas. I had no idea at that stage what carbon was, but I was impressed he had this rather large apparatus mounted on the back of his car and it used charcoal to produce gas. No petrol was necessary. It sounded like magic to my young ears.

At the same time my father had an obsession with Gracie Fields, an English actress, singer and comedienne in the ’30s and ’40s. When he gained a rather primitive turntable and one of her records, she blasted her way into our home and I came to know many of the songs by heart. My favourite was ‘In My Little Bottom Drawer’ with the lyrics: “For years and years I’ve been a lonely spinster on the shelf …”. Yet there was one monologue she recited in ‘The Biggest Aspidistra In The World’ that really had me confused. With my obsession with gas producers this is what I heard:

“For years we had a gas producer in a flower pot
On the whatnot, near the ‘atstand in the ‘all
It didn’t seem to grow ’til one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he’d make it strong and tall
So he’s crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he’s planted it against the garden wall
It shot up like a rocket, ’til it’s nearly reached the sky
It’s the biggest gas producer in the world.”

Why would anyone try to grow a gas producer at all, let alone cross it with an acorn? So confusing! It was years later that I found out that it was not a gas producer he was growing in a pot, but an aspidistra — a plant with big shiny leaves.

Following my explanation of the gas producer to my grandson, I proceeded to tell him how as a young mum, I had quite muscular arms partly due to an old Falcon that very often needed help to get going. Out I would pull the old crank handle, stick it in a hole in the front of the car and with a bit of luck, and a great deal of woman power, I would get the old Falcon started. This was often difficult with three very active young children in the back seat at a time when seat belts were unheard of. More than once following a shopping trip I would have to whip out the crank handle and when it took some time to kick over, my two over-active boys would climb out of the window and go exploring.

Oh, and then there was the choke that pre-dated electronically managed fuel injection … by this time I had managed to almost put him to sleep. I had indeed given him confirmation that his beloved grandmother was after all actually antediluvian. I must confess that I do enjoy my little Mazda that never lets me down.

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