As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that certain things are getting harder and harder to do. What happened to the agility that I had in my 30s, where I could bend, twist, lift, jump, and run to my heart’s content?
I got old.
But I’m still here, and so I’m starting to look at investing in things that might make my life easier.
Here are a few that might come in handy.
Posture Fixer– I have always slumped because I grew so fast in fifth grade. By being shorter, I hoped that the boys would like me—fat chance with that. Maybe there should be a push-button contraption that sticks onto your back, reminding you to stand up straight. Press the button and poof, you are two inches taller… You’re not shrinking, you’ve just been slumping.
Think A Station– Who wants to fumble with a remote control at our age? Most of the time, I can’t even read the buttons anyway unless I put on my thick reading glasses. Why can’t I just think about the type of movie I want to watch, and instantly five choices come up? It would sure save a lot of time.
Grocery Aisle Thingamajig — Until recently, going to the store meant easy navigation without backtracking, getting lost, or remembering why you came into the grocery store in the first place. Scan your grocery list, and instantly you know where everything is because it’s mapped on your phone.
Can’t find that locally sourced coffee? Use the Grocery Aisle Thingamajig to find it easily. Where did you leave your wallet and glasses? Your grocery aisle helper will easily tell you it’s on aisle three, right next to the prunes.
Pluck Away — How can you pluck with reading glasses on? You hold that mirror next to your face, and everything is still a blur. Put Pluck Away over your face and within five minutes, all your errant hairs are gone. Maybe you have an unwanted mustache? Nose hairs that look like something else? Perhaps some of those strands could be put in other places, but that hasn’t been invented yet.
Gossip Translator — See those people in the corner looking at you and whispering? With the Gossip Translator, you can instantly amplify their banter and find out exactly what they think of you. Pretty soon, you won’t have to invite them over for cocktails out of a sense of obligation. You know they don’t want to come anyway.
Corns Be Gone — Can’t reach your toenails to clip them, or perhaps they are too embedded in your toes to be whittled away with sandpaper? Put your foot in the Corns Be Gone foot bath, and you have a cost-free pedicure. If you buy the expensive model, it will get rid of your hammer toes and bunions as well.
Take Out The Trasher– I don’t know about you, but taking the trash out at 6:30 in the morning when the mosquitoes are famished is not something that I enjoy doing. It’s nice to take your trash out the night before, but the wild animals prevent doing that. Simply program your trash can to open your garage door and roll itself out. Nobody wants to see you in your pajamas anyway.
No Hassle Generator — We live in a hurricane area, and every year the hurricane season is worse. Why it takes four months for a generator to be installed is quite beyond me. Oh yeah, HOA restrictions. Why can’t my $15,000 generator screw onto my gas line, and I can be done with it? Sit back and wait for that hurricane to blow through your neighborhood and watch another rerun of I Love Lucy.
Camera Be Gone — Don’t you get tired of trying to take groovy pictures while you’re on vacation? Simply think about the image before you blink your eyes, and an AI- generated image is instantly created without you having to fiddle with your phone. You can upload the image immediately to one of your social platforms or simply use it to blackmail one of your neighbors.
Spot Away-I’m Irish and I’ve lost count of all of the age spots on my body. Why isn’t there some contraption I can walk into that will simply eliminate them all and give me 20-year-old skin? Is that too much to ask? They have those monster scanners at the airport? I’d like a home model for personal use.
Memory Helper — Instead of forgetting people’s names, titles of movies, or what I had for breakfast, just think about the phrase that you want, and instantly it will pop into your head. No more pausing, gazing at the ceiling, or trying to fetch that elusive word. Memory Helper takes care of all of that.
These are the kinds of things I would like to buy with my diminishing Social Security benefits. Life should become easier as you age, not more difficult.
What inventions are you waiting for?
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