Finding old friends on social media

If you’re like me, you’re curious about people you used to know. Whether they be old lovers, bosses who have fired you, or disjointed family members, we’re all curious about people we haven’t seen in a long time.

Here are some thoughts that might go through your head when you finally get hold of those people.

I’m glad you were laid off. Now you know what it’s like.

You left me for Sheila? And she took you to the cleaners? Serves you right.

That handlebar mustache has got to go.

What happened to your hair?

Are you wearing love beads?

Gee, I’m glad I didn’t marry you. I knew you’d become a psychopath.

You have 20 cats?

Why would you want to live in Needles, California?

You still believe in Santa Claus?

Are you really a lactose omnivore vegetarian atheist?

You might want to untuck your shirt.

Boy, your boobs are pretty high.

Do you ride a unicycle to work?

I can see you’re still in a nail-biter.

I can see you’re still a know-it-all.

Do you still listen to The Fugs?

Yeah, you’re a “consultant” I guess that means you’re out of work.

You’ve been married five times?

Your profile picture makes you look like you’re 30… You must be bathing in formaldehyde.

Your beverage of choice is Ripple?

I love that Nehru jacket.

Are you still voting for Pat Paulson?

Of course, you won the Nobel Prize.

Did you really invent kryptonite?

Too many steroids for you.

Your Botox looks like a bee sting.

I’d pluck if I were you.

Looks like those football injuries finally caught up with you.

I’m glad you married my sister. Look where that got you.

You look happy now. It must be the meds.

If I knew you wanted to dress up in my clothes. I would’ve let you.

Still trying to find yourself?

I’m happy you married your dog.

I still can’t believe you wrote that in my yearbook.

Your mentor is Woody Woodpecker?

Do you still have an ant farm?

Your idea of toast is a gin and tonic?

You’ve really published 470 books?

I googled you, and you don’t exist.

How many times have you changed your name?

I knew you’d become a millionaire. You cheated on all your exams.

What happened to that trust fund?

Looks like you’re still sporting that mullet.

You top your cereal with gummies?

Do you really speak Pig Latin?

Your favorite holiday is Flag Day?

You love lima beans?

You only shower once a month?

You have a tattoo where?

Still driving an Edsel?

What’s up with that nose ring?

What’s a Chem-Trail?

You like to cook blindfolded?

You only watch TikTok videos?

You changed your name to Marco Polo?

You think climate change is a hoax?

You don’t believe electricity is a necessity?