Dear Abby for seniors

Do you remember those Dear Abby advice columns? Imagine if those were resurrected for people like us. Perhaps Abby could solve a number of our problems.

Dear Abby: My husband has to pee all the time. Do you know what could be wrong with him?
Abby: He must be trying to mark his territory. Good luck with that.

Dear Abby, My wife does not like to sleep with me anymore. Any suggestions?
Abby: Maybe try bathing more than once a week.

Dear Abby: It’s getting harder and harder to tie my shoes and button my blouse.
Abby: That’s why God invented nightgowns and slippers.

Dear Abby: My husband farts all the time and he’s only 62. What can I do?
Abby: Give him a cork.

Dear Abby: Every time I walk into another room, I can’t remember why I went in there. What do you think I should do?
Abby: Maybe try moving into a studio apartment.

Dear Abby: My parents want me to move into an assisted living facility with them and share a room. Do you think that’s a good idea?
Abby: That’s what you get for sponging off them for years. Now it’s your turn to change diapers.

Dear Abby: I have this constant buzzing in my ears, and I don’t know what it is. Any thoughts?
Abby: Have you considered replacing the battery in your hearing aid? That usually works.

Dear Abby: I’m always afraid I will fall because of osteoporosis and balance issues. What should I do?
Abby: I don’t know. I have the same problem. That’s why I have a job where I sit all day. I also eat Balance Bars for breakfast.

Dear Abby: Nobody pays attention to me anymore.
Abby: Face it. You’re just a boring person.

Dear Abby: All my husband wants to do is watch TV all day. What should I do?
Abby: Hide his hearing aids.

Dear Abby: My arteries are clogged. What should I do?
Abby: Have you tried Q-Tips? They’re on sale at the Dollar Tree.

Dear Abby: I keep losing my dentures.
Abby: That’s what you get for biting off more than you can chew.

Dear Abby: I’m cold all the time!
Abby: No wonder your husband left you.

Dear Abby: I can’t eat many of my favorite foods anymore. I don’t know if it’s my sense of smell, taste, or my medications.
Abby: Try adding hot pepper flakes to everything you eat; then you’ll know.

Dear Abby: How can I make my breasts more perky?
Abby: Simply lower your thermostat down to 63°. Or go skiing.

Dear Abby: How can I get my husband to stop snoring?
Abby: Do you have any clothes pins lying around the house?

Dear Abby, My memory seems to be failing. Do you have any suggestions?
Abby: How about planting some forget-me-nots in the garden?

Dear Abby: My husband always criticizes the way I drive.
Abby: Sounds like he’s driving you nuts.

Dear Abby: I am having more and more trouble picking up stuff off the floor.
Abby: If it’s food, just leave it for your pet. If it’s something else bribe a friend to retrieve it. Wine usually works.

Dear Abby: Why am I getting so many whiskers on my chin?
Abby: Ageing takes hair away from some places and plants it elsewhere. I think they call it contour farming.

Dear Abby: No matter what I do, I can’t seem to lose my belly fat.
Abby: Ever tried duct tape on your mouth? It comes in many colours so you can coordinate it with your outfits.

Dear Abby: My boyfriend will be gone for two months having a hip and knee replacement. I’m so lonely.
Abby: Isn’t there strip poker at your rest home? That should keep you busy.

Dear Abby: I can’t drive at night anymore. What should I do?
Abby: Stay home.