Bracing myself for the future with a dose of humour

May 17, 2022
Always keep a bit of humour to make the medical procedures easier. Source: Getty

Most of my friends are older than I am. I love them because they are full of knowledge, resiliency and wisdom. Although they have endured a litany of medical procedures, they embrace them with a sense of humour. In chatting with them, I know what’s in store for me as I age. I’m bracing myself!

Here are a few I anticipate down the road.

Hearing Aids

Why does everyone on television mumble? Those old TV shows from the 50s have such great sound, but these current shows? Unless I turn on the subtitles, I’m clueless as to what is going on. I know that my hearing isn’t perfect, but who really needs to hear dog whistles? At times I can’t hear my partner speaking, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be reminded that today is Monday and not Wednesday. If you’re retired, it really doesn’t matter what day it is.

Skin Procedures

Raise your hand if you’ve had the Mohs procedure! It’s a rite of passage for anyone who has been a slave to the sun. We used to slather on baby oil and bake away to impress our friends. Now that we live in a retirement community, half of the people I see at the market are sporting bandages from some dermatological procedure. Even though I’ve been fairly judicious about sunscreen, skin incisions seem to be necessary for most of us, whether we’ve been in the sun or not. I’d really prefer a shot of liquid nitrogen, on the rocks if you please.

Knee Replacement

Are you in need of a knee replacement? It’s like getting your will done. It seems to be a necessity for all of us as we age. I am trying to avoid this if I can unless I’m in excruciating pain. I’m not. Thanks to two broken knees, I’m already retrofitted with lots of heavy metal. Maybe I should join a rock and roll band?

Cataract Surgery

Some people are blind as a bat, but I’ve been told I have tremendous insight. Does this give me a free pass to bypass cataract surgery? Still, if I have to have it done, I hear it’s pretty simple. Those who have had this procedure rave about how clear their vision is afterwards. If I have to have it done, maybe I will be able to see into the future.

Hip Replacement

I think being a hippie in my youth better prepared me for this operation. If I need it, apparently they get you up walking the same day. That works for me, because I know I’ll still be expected to change the sheets afterwards. Besides, it’s supposed to be much easier than having a knee replacement. Hip hip hooray for that. I wonder if they have tie-dye hospital gowns?

Bunion Surgery

I’ve been wearing platypus shoes for years, thanks to inheriting my mother’s awful feet. I have bunions, corns, and hammertoes. As long as I wear wide shoes, I’m fine. But the day may come when I have to have bunion surgery. I would love to wear all types of shoes again, but the idea of wheeling myself around on one of those scooters or wearing a walking boot? No thank you. I wonder if Paul Bunyan bypassed this procedure?

Shoulder Replacement

I hear that this is one of the worst procedures to have, so I hope it’s not in the cards for me. People say I have a good head on my shoulders, so maybe I can avoid this. But if I do have to have it, I look forward to swinging from the trees once again.

What challenges have you endured? I plan to face them with grace, gusto and a sense of humour. What choice do I have?

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