Sex in your 60s: Is it really slowing down, or changing shape?

The other day, I ran into an old colleague I hadn’t seen in years. She was the sort of woman who once made sex her favourite subject. Lunchtime gossip, coffee catch-ups, after-work drinks – she’d tell you everything, and I mean everything. Now? She smiled and told me she’d rather be writing poetry. “Sex is over-rated,” she said with a shrug. I nearly dropped my flat white.

What happens between 40 and 60 that takes us from lusty innuendo to rhyming couplets? More to the point: how much sex are people in their 60s actually having – and how do men and women see it differently?

The numbers don’t lie (but they do surprise)

Let’s get one thing straight: sex doesn’t vanish at 60. Research from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing and other large surveys shows that most men (around 80–85 per cent) and a majority of women (around 60 per cent) in their 60s are still sexually active. But activity levels fall compared with earlier decades.

Among those who are active, the frequency is usually 1-4 times per month – hardly the Hollywood image of twice-a-day passion, but more than the stereotype of abstinence. And here’s the gender twist: studies show that men are more likely to report wanting more sex than they’re having, while women are more likely to report that they’re quite content with less.

His take (63)

When I turned 60, I expected to be put out to pasture, at least if you believe the clichés. Yet I still think about sex most days, and if it were up to me, I’d be aiming for once a week, minimum. The research actually makes me feel better: knowing that a quarter of people in their 60s are still having sex weekly or more puts me on the right side of the bell curve.
But the frustration is real. For men, desire often stays strong while energy, joints and (let’s be honest) erections don’t always cooperate. That mismatch can be maddening.

Her take (65)

I’ll be blunt: by the time you hit your mid-60s, sex isn’t always top of the to-do list. Hormones shift, health niggles creep in, and sometimes you’re simply tired. The research shows women are more likely than men to step away from sex after 60 – not necessarily because we don’t enjoy it, but because the drive is softer.

And here’s the thing many women don’t say out loud: intimacy matters more. Cuddles, touch, feeling close – that can be just as satisfying as a full-blown session under the doona. For me, the poetry my old colleague writes might not be about sex, but it’s about connection, and that resonates.

The bigger picture

So, is sex in your 60s about numbers or about meaning? The stats tell us the average is a few times a month if you’re active, less if you’re not. Men tend to want more, women tend to want less, and somewhere in the middle we negotiate, laugh, or sometimes sulk.

But what the surveys don’t capture is how sex evolves. For many, the 60s are a time when desire, though quieter, is steadier. When performance matters less than intimacy. When, if you’re lucky, you can both want the same thing – even if it’s just holding hands in bed while you drift off.

And perhaps that’s the secret. Not the frequency, but the freedom to admit that sex can change shape – from lust to laughter, from friction to poetry – and still matter deeply.