By Bess Strachan
Sex & Relationships
Janice from Brisbane, mid-sixties, writes with brave candour as both a survivor and a loving partner: since her cancer treatment, her desire for sex has gone missing, replaced only by the comfort of handholding and cuddles. Her partner, meanwhile, still hopes for intimacy. What, she wonders, can she do for him – and for them – when her feelings simply have changed?
Facing change with compassion
Cancer has a knack for rearranging the furniture of our bodies and hearts, and loss of sexual desire after treatment is both common and entirely normal. Fatigue, anxiety, physical discomfort, and the invisible wounds to confidence and self-image can gently close the door on previous desires. For some, libido returns with time. For others, especially as we grow older and hormones shift, it may never fully rebound.
What you can do
The first and most crucial step is honest conversation. Speak openly with your partner about what is changedfor you. Discuss the comfort you find in touch and closeness and let them know it is about your body – not a rejection of them as a person. Couples with mismatched sex drives often find that shifts in routine or approach -focusing on cuddling, long hugs, flirtation, and even planned moments for intimacy (not necessarily intercourse) – can bring emotional and physical satisfaction for both partners.
Building new intimacy
Expand the definition of intimacy. For some couples, non-sexual touch – holding hands, gentle massage, affectionate conversation – becomes the new language of love. Sometimes, letting the lower-drive partner initiate intimacy in their own time, whether with touch or even just words, can help restore feelings of empowerment and closeness without pressure.
Exploring options and support
If sadness or guilt persists – or if either partner feels stuck – consider seeking help from a counsellor or sexual health specialist. These professionals are familiar with the impact of illness on relationships and may help guide a couple to fresh ways of connecting. Remember, restoring sexual closeness may not be possible for everyone, but love and partnership are about much more than intercourse.
Gentle encouragement
Janice’s story is more common than you might think, especially in more conservative circles. Navigating a new chapter of love – after illness, after change – takes courage, patience, and the willingness to share our needs and feelings, even when they surprise us.
If this resonates, or if you have your own question, write to [email protected]. The door, as ever, is open.
IMPORTANT LEGAL INFO This article is of a general nature and FYI only, because it doesn’t take into account your personal health requirements or existing medical conditions. That means it’s not personalised health advice and shouldn’t be relied upon as if it is. Before making a health-related decision, you should work out if the info is appropriate for your situation and get professional medical advice.
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