Marriage is many things: a partnership, a compromise, a lifelong negotiation – and occasionally, an endless source of comedy. Whether you’ve been married for five years or fifty, there’s something comforting about jokes that gently poke fun at the everyday realities of life with the person you love most (and sometimes argue with the most). These five husband and wife jokes are all in good fun – and chances are, you’ll recognise at least one a little too well.
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? WIFE: I clean the toilet. HUSBAND: How does that help? WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
A man boards a plane. Sitting next to him is an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring you’ve ever seen. The man asks her about it, and she says, “This is the Klopman diamond. It’s beautiful, but it comes with a terrible curse.” “What’s the curse?” asks the man. The woman replies, “He’s walking down the aisle now.”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.” Me: “Ah, you get used to that …”
Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?” Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.” Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?” Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
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