My step-daughters treat me like an outsider. Should I give them space?

Dear Bess,

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years now, and he has two adult daughters from his previous marriage. While they have a good relationship with their dad, I often feel like a third wheel whenever they visit. They make polite conversation with me, but I’m never really included.

They’ll come over and only really talk to their dad, sometimes continuing inside jokes I don’t understand. If I try to join in, the conversation quietly fizzles out, or one of them will change the subject. One time I suggested we all go out for lunch together and they turned it into a “just Dad and us girls” outing. I even overheard one of them say, “She’s nice, but she’s not Mum,” like I’m always going to be on the outer.

I don’t want to make things uncomfortable for anyone, but I also don’t want to spend family time feeling invisible in my own home. Should I take the hint and make myself scarce when they visit? Or is there a way I can gently shift the dynamic without overstepping?

— Feeling Like the Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel,

First of all, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – but you’re far from alone. Blended families, no matter how long they’ve been “blended,” often carry invisible emotional luggage. The truth is, it’s not always fair, and it’s rarely easy.

What stands out in your letter is that you want connection – and that’s the first and most important step. You’re not trying to replace anyone’s mother. You’re simply trying to be seen as a valued part of the family. That’s not selfish. That’s human.

Let’s unpack this a bit.

It’s not (all) personal

It’s incredibly hard not to take this personally – especially when you’ve built a life with their father. But sometimes, adult children hold onto family roles and rituals very tightly, even unconsciously. They might be friendly but reserved around you not out of dislike, but because letting you in feels like disloyalty to their mother. That’s not a reflection on you, but on their own emotional confusion.

Give space – but not silence

You asked whether to make yourself scarce when they visit. My short answer: Not entirely. It’s okay to give them some one-on-one time with their dad. In fact, offering it gracefully (“Would you like some time just the three of you?”) can signal both generosity and confidence. But don’t vanish completely.

Instead, try setting small, low-pressure moments to connect. Ask one of them about their work, or a hobby, and really listen. Be interested without being overbearing. If they mention a book or a TV show, follow up next time you see them. Those small gestures matter more than big “let’s all be friends” conversations, which can feel awkward or forced.

Acknowledge your feelings

Feeling invisible in your own home is awful. And you don’t need to pretend it doesn’t sting. You might want to gently share with your husband how you feel — not accusingly, but honestly. For example: “I know your girls mean a lot to you, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. But sometimes I feel like a guest in our own home when they visit.” If he’s unaware, this might help him be more inclusive. If he’s already noticed, it might prompt a shared plan to gently shift things.

Boundaries are not barriers

There’s no harm in drawing the line if certain behaviours cross into hurtful territory – like repeatedly excluding you from plans or being dismissive. That doesn’t mean starting a confrontation, but it could mean declining to host if you’re made to feel unwelcome. You deserve respect in your own home.

The long game

Relationships like these don’t turn around overnight. Sometimes the best gift you can give is consistency – continuing to show up, to be kind, to stay open, even if they don’t respond immediately. Over time, people remember how you made them feel – even if they didn’t say so at the time.

And finally, please don’t measure your worth by their approval. You are enough. Whether they see that now, or need more time, is not entirely in your hands.

Got a tricky relationship issue or a personal question you’ve been too embarrassed to ask? Whether it’s about love, dating, sex, friendship, family or blended households, Bess Strachan is here to help. With wisdom, warmth and just the right amount of honesty, Bess tackles the questions many over-60s are quietly wondering – but might not feel comfortable saying out loud. No judgement, just smart, thoughtful advice from someone who understands life doesn’t stop getting complicated after sixty. Submit your question anonymously to [email protected] and let Bess guide you through it – because you’re definitely not the only one asking.