Harmful or helpful? Study claims kids who are lied to face social difficulties

Telling your child a little white lie to stop them whinging is something most parents do to get a bit of peace and quiet but now research has claimed it could actually be doing more harm than good.

While at the time it probably seems harmless, with mums and dads across the world never hesitating to tell a lie to the kids at some point or another, the study carried out by the Nanyang Technological University suggests it may have negative implications for children’s psychological functioning later in life. Not only that, the research published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, claimed even those lies about calling the police when they’re misbehaving could also lead to kids lying more to their parents as they age.

As part of the study a total of 379 Singaporean young adults were questioned over whether their parents lied to them during their childhood, how much they lie now and how capable they are of adjusting to adult challenges. And the results were clear, with those seemingly innocent lies leading people down the path of lying themselves, paired with feelings of guilt and shame, a disruptive nature and a selfish and manipulative character.

“Parenting my lying can seem to save time especially when the real reasons behind why parents want children to do something is complicated to explain,” lead author Assistant Professor Setoh Peipei explained. “When parents tell children that ‘honesty is the best policy’, but display dishonestly by lying, such behaviour can send conflicting messages to their children.” Adding: “Parents’ dishonesty may eventually erode trust and promote dishonesty in children.”

Throughout the study, participants were asked if their parents lied to them about common themes such eating and leaving. For most parents out there, they were probably used regularly to keep the kids in check with statements including “if you don’t come with me now, I will leave you here by yourself” and “I did not bring money with me today, we can come back another day”, easily slipping off the tongue.

Although it was most likely not done in a harsh way a further part of the research on participants psychosocial maladjustment and tendency to behave selfishly and impulsively revealed it can cause problems into the future. After pulling the data together researchers found if kids were lied to by their parents, they were more likely to develop aggression, and intrusive behaviours.

Setoh said this is because the authority assertion of lying to kids is a form of psychological intrusiveness and could make children feel rejected. The expert claimed this ultimately would lower a person’s well-being causing more problems down the track.

“Our research suggests that parenting by lying is a practice that has negative consequences for children when they grow up,”Setoh explained. “It is possible that a lie to assert the parents’ power, such as saying ‘If you don’t behave, we will throw you into the ocean to feed the fish’, may be more related to children’s adjustment difficulties as adults, compared to lies that target children’s compliance, e.g. ‘there is no more candy in the house’.”

So, instead of going for the lie straight up, the expert said people should consider alternative options that would not provoke the unhealthy feelings and behaviours in their kids later on. “Parents should be aware of these potential downstream implications and consider alternatives for lying, such as acknowledging children’s feelings, giving information so children know what to expect, offering choices and problem-solving together, to elicit good behaviour from children,” she said.

Parenting certainly has changed over the years with the days of smacking the kids as punishment when they’ve been naughty becoming a thing of the past. Late last year, a group of leading paediatricians even called for parents to forgo smacking and instead use alternative methods to discipline their children.

The American Academy of Pediatrics claimed smacking has harmful effects on children and will not benefit kids in any way, The New York Times reported.  Speaking at a conference, the group of about 67,000 doctors, recommended paediatricians advise parents against smacking as it could lead to increased aggression and make children more defiant in the future.

“One of the most important relationships we all have is the relationship between ourselves and our parents, and it makes sense to eliminate or limit fear and violence in tat loving relationship,” the New York Post reported Dr Robert Sege said. “Certainly you can get a child’s attention, but it’s not an effective strategy to teach right from wrong.”