Saturday Giggle: Wit and Wisdom from the World’s Funniest (and Sharpest) Tongues

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP! – Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at 60, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal