Five jokes to kick-start your weekend

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman: “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to see the priest and says: “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What happened?” asks the priest. “You gave birth to a child!” “But that’s impossible!” says the priest. “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About 15 years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says: “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies: “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

I recently found myself in what could be considered one of the most foolish situations of my life. I went out to light my cigarette, It was a cold Fall day, so I was wearing one of my worn-out hoodies. As I attempted to light the cigarette using a torch lighter, I caught the hoodie’s sleeve on fire. Initially, I didn’t realise what had happened, but when I noticed the flames spreading, panic set in. My instinctive reaction was to try and extinguish the fire by using my other hand. Which, unfortunately, led to the second sleeve catching fire as well. At this point, I found myself with both sleeves ablaze and the fire starting to spread. While there may have been several rational solutions, I was too lost in the moment to consider them. The thought of removing the hoodie crossed my mind, but with both my arms in flames, it seemed impossible. So, I opted for a rather foolish tactic of flailing around desperately in an attempt to put out the fire, which only just made it worse. In a panic, I rushed into the nearest building for assistance, which happened to be the bank where I had recently deposited some funds. I entered, hoping to find help, but before I could say a word, security guards forcefully tackled me to the ground and threw me out of the building. Because you can’t bring firearms into a bank. Credit: FireWater107 reddit user, from Dad Jokes subreddit

You know you’re in a man’s ideal world when:

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

6. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

7. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

8. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.