Introducing the new, improved Barbie:
Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR ageing gracefully. These are a bit more realistic!
1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too), neck chain and large-print editions of Woman’s Weekly and Better Homes and Gardens.
2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beetroot red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with a handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirrors.
4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included.
5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and bandaids, then slip on soft slippers.
6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. COOL GRANDMA BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to cheer for her grandkids Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a sports car and esky filled with scones and punch.
8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat.
9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the TV, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and tissues.