Daily Joke: New twists on old board games – 60s edition

Here are some newly revamped fun nights around the kitchen table for the over 60 female demographic. And men, don’t stop reading here – you may need to know the rules of the game(s) too if you expect to “play” with us.

MENOPAUSEOPOLY

The classic game of monopolising stuff from your opponents as you wearily drag your little pewter token — a miniature fan, a Naturaliser high heel shoe, L’Oreal hair colour kit, Prozac pill, a syringe of Botox, an iron and a thimble (see, I told you it would be classic, therefore still chauvinistic!) — around the board attempting to purchase back the properties of your Mind, Body and Spirit that you once possessed control over. “Memory Lane, Sexual Drive, Brain Cell Way, Stability Street, Metabolism Court and Smooth Skin Avenue” are just some spots you can land on. The utilities are represented by “Energy and Pep” and “Hydration.” Or take a ride on the “Wispy Waistline” Railroad. But if you land on the unmade bed, you must go directly to “Never Satisfied Spouse,” do not Pass the Doctor and do not collect your 200 mg prescription for testosterone.

CHEST

This is a game of the utmost strategy and wits, wherein you move your Queen many various bra sizes around the black and white checkerboard floor of a department store until you capture your current and correct cup size, which will vary depending on if you just ingested a grain of salt. But “breast assured,” once you accomplish this, you can confidently call out, “Chestmate!” to your opponent.

HOOTS ON LADDERS

Best if played directly after a good, satisfying game of “Chest”. The object is to walk by a construction crew and if you can still get any man at all (even the male parrot on the drywall contractor’s shoulder) to wolf-whistle after giving you the once-over, you win! Batteries included.

I APOLOGIZE

It’s “Sorry” redone with an Anger Management theme. Simplistic little game with easy to follow rules, 1) I yell or throw my Estrogen cream at you. 2) I try to atone while making flimsy hormonal excuses. 3) You forgive me. 4) I do it all over again on the next roll of the dice. Once I grovel enough, I graduate to the brand new 12 step game, “I Surrender,” which culminates at the finish line, where I sheepishly admit that even my Higher Power has no control over my temper during menopause.

AFFLICTIONARY

Be the first to sketch what ails you on the included pad of paper and let your partner guess before the timer runs out. You’ll draw a body with sweat pouring out of it and they’ll guess “a bee sting”. You’ll doodle a giant stomach with lots of excess skin and they’ll guess “fallen arches”. At this point, you will need a new partner. Makes a great party game until you scrawl your biggest affliction of all… a realistic picture of all the guests attending who have gotten on your last nerve. They guess correctly. The party’s over! Nite, nite! Note: Mental Notes sold separately.

THOUGHTZZZZEE

Who needs “Yahtzee” when you can noisily rattle six dice in a little jar (simultaneously giving yourself a migraine) just to eventually spill them out on the table to formulate thoughts that are so fleeting in your own head, you usually can’t remember them in time to vocalize, write or act them out? But be sure to scream out “Thoughtzee!!” at the top of your lungs so other players will run out of Panadol and need to borrow yours. Comes with Panadol bonus bottles so you can put the ZZZZZZ part of the game into your sleep where it belongs.

GET A CLUE!

Oh, that Miss Scarlet, she’s still sexy and hot, especially with this new “Night Sweat” edition. But watch out, Professor Plum and all other male players — she’s always conspiring with her gal pal suspects. The crime? “A lethal male bashing with Mrs. White and Mrs. Peacock in the ballroom with the mouth,” — the deadliest weapon of all!

TRIVIAL DISPUTE

It’s the game of Life… in other words, who argues it better? The never-ending quest to always be right is the central theme of this fast-paced question and answer card game played in teams. Remind other players (your children) that you could’ve gone to law school if you hadn’t gotten married and devoted your life completely to raising a family. Fight with them over borrowing skirts from your teenager’s closet. How else are you supposed to feel younger? And if they told you they were staying late after school but you forgot, it’s still THEIR fault for not reminding you. Always remember to play The Guilt Card (find it at the bottom of the deck) and you have one free, “Because I said so” pass to be used anytime you appear to be losing. Good luck!

TRAGIC 8 BALL

The Magic 8 ball just as you remember it, but this time, you will receive prophetic answers to all your earth-shattering calamities. Go ahead and ask questions like, “Am I destined to have a muffin top in all my pants or just the skinny jeans and, “Am I wrong for wanting men to suffer through every single one of these 34 menopausal symptoms too?” and of course, “Didn’t Heather Locklear look majorly Photoshopped on the cover of this week’s NW magazine?” The answers of course will always be “Reply Hazy, try again,” because the “Tragic 8 Ball” is now a 50-year-old toy and therefore also going through menopause, with brain fog of its own.

Now, I’ll race ya to the nearest Toys R Us, where thankfully they now have back in stock  “RandyLand,” which is of course your beloved childhood favorite, ‘Candyland’ but with a racy new twist.  Because real fun shouldn’t have an age limit!