Does my partner hide money from me? What it really says about trust

There’s a private language couples speak about money – or don’t speak. Some conversations are open, calm, and collaborative. Others are twitchy, evasive, wilful. And then there are the ones that leave friends whispering over a coffee, wondering whether something deeper is going on.

Money isn’t just figures on a bank statement. For many Australians, it’s tied up with trust, identity, shame, control and fear. So when you notice awkward behaviour – unexplained borrows, secret purchases or odd evasions – it’s natural to ask: Is this just an eccentricity, or is it a symptom of something bigger?

Money secrets are more common than you think

You might assume financial secrecy is rare or extreme, but surveys show it’s surprisingly widespread among Aussies. In recent research of more than 1,000 Australians in relationships, more than one in four (27 per cent) admit to hiding money matters from their partner – from secret debts to undisclosed bank accounts, gambling, or unshared purchases.

Even broader studies suggest many couples keep finances partly separate – roughly two in five Australians don’t fully combine their money, maintaining distinct accounts or arrangements.

And when it comes to perception, nearly one in five people think lying about finances is worse than cheating.

If you’ve heard “Why would anyone hide money?” – the answer is messy. People hide money for reasons ranging from embarrassment and fear of conflict, to a desire for autonomy, or even deeper psychological or behavioural issues.

Case #1: The mate who keeps borrowing and selling but his wife seems unfazed

Here you have a man who appears to be hurting financially: repeated asks for significant loans from friends, selling off possessions, not rejoining the golf club (a social ritual many take seriously). On the surface, that looks like trouble. But his wife? Unaffected. No visible change in her lifestyle, no concern expressed publicly.

Before jumping to conclusions, it’s worth asking:

Is she really unaware, or quietly absorbing the reality?
Has she decoupled the financial stress from the emotional relationship?
Or is there already a tacit understanding between them that you’re simply not party to?
The truth is, many couples keep some financial decisions private – especially items they view as personal or “less important” – even in long-term partnerships. But when secrecy stretches into significant debt, borrowing, or risky money moves, it moves from quirky to concerning. Experts warn that hidden debt or undisclosed spending can have serious consequences – not just for bank balances, but for trust and long-term planning.

So should you ask her if everything’s okay?

You can, but delicately. You’re not there to interrogate, but to offer support. A gentle “I’ve noticed … are you and John alright?” – framed around care, not judgement – can open a door without trampling privacy.

If she shuts down or deflects, that is a form of communication too: a hint there’s something she’s not comfortable sharing right now.

Case #2: The Thermomix, the truth and the gentle exaggeration

This is a story we’ve all lived: someone undervalues their partner’s purchase slightly because they don’t want to embarrass them. At first glance, it’s harmless – a sugar-coated little secret, a courtesy fudge.

But there’s a difference between lighthearted omission and habitual secrecy. If the only hidden element was the price of a kitchen appliance, it probably says more about social etiquette and the humour of friendships than any fundamental breach of trust.

That said, money is a funny thing between friends – and between couples – because it can signal values, insecurity, or power. And sometimes what starts as small exaggeration ends up as an avoidance of deeper financial conversations.

A partner who consistently downplays prices, investments, debts or decisions may be shielding their ego – or avoiding a fear-laden conversation about competence, judgement, or fear of conflict.

So what does financial secrecy mean in a relationship?

There’s no single answer, but patterns matter.

A little independence, like private hobbies or small personal accounts, can be healthy. Many Australians intentionally keep separate accounts and contribute to joint expenses in ways that respect both autonomy and shared life goals.

But when money secrecy becomes a pattern – hiding debt, withdrawing large sums without discussion, or avoiding financial planning – researchers and financial experts warn it’s more than just “quirky”. It can:

Erode trust – because honesty about money builds partnership the way honesty about feelings builds intimacy.
Create conflict down the track – especially when financial surprises emerge at critical moments (tax time, retirement planning, illness).
Mask underlying fears – fear of judgment, fear of inadequacy, or fear of conflict can all lead to avoidance rather than conversation.
And as Aussie research repeatedly shows, financial issues are one of the top causes of relationship stress and conflict.

What you can do

If you’re witness to this kind of dynamic in friends:

Choose empathy over accusation. People hide finances for emotional as well as practical reasons.
Ask gently, without prying. Support without interrogating.
Encourage joint planning, not confrontation. When couples talk about shared goals – not just dollars – it shifts money from a battleground to a common project.
Be mindful of boundaries. Unless you’re directly involved, it’s good to support your friend without taking ownership of their partner’s behaviour.

Money isn’t just about numbers. It’s about values, vulnerability and the stories we tell ourselves about worth. If a partner hides money, it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is doomed – but it does suggest some conversations haven’t been had. And those are worth having, sooner rather than later.