Rhonda Burchmore: ‘Dad hid Mum’s dementia until he died from Parkinson’s’

She lost both her parents, her beloved sister and her mother-in-law in the space of just a few years, and now Aussie theatre legend Rhonda Burchmore has opened up about her difficult grief – and the heartbreaking moment she realised her loving father had been hiding her mum’s dementia from the family.

The 58-year-old star, who is currently touring Australia with her self-produced show ABBA-solutely Fabulous, credits her love of her work and friends for helping her cope with having to watch her loved ones’ health deteriorate before her eyes.

“Some people deal with grief in all sorts of ways, but working was healing for me – especially to be able to sing and perform,” she told Starts at 60 in an exclusive interview.

Rhonda’s father Jack battled a rare form of Parkinson’s disease for years, requiring round-the-clock care in his final years. It meant none of the family were fully aware of their mother struggling, as she remained energetic and caring throughout.

In actual fact, Yvonne had begun to suffer from early dementia, and while their father knew about it fairly soon, he attempted to hide it from the family to save them from pain. He managed it right up until his death in 2009.

“Dad was the rock of the family, and he would cover up for her,” Rhonda explained. “He knew something was up, they were life partners, and he’d just say ‘your mum forgets everything’. It was only when he passed that we realised the extent of it. It’s sneaky in the early stages, because all the focus was on my dad as you could see his condition becoming frail, she was still physically great.”

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Tragically, shortly after Rhonda’s father died, her sister Michelle was diagnosed with the cruel neurological disease multiple system atrophy. The rare disorder affects your movement due to the progressive degeneration of neurons in several parts of the brain. Rhonda described it as “a combination of muscular dystrophy, MS and Parkinson’s all in one”.

“Pretty much straight after my sister was diagnosed, my mum was officially diagnosed with dementia. It was really cruel, my sister’s brain was the only thing that was absolutely alert right to the end, whereas my mum had her mobility and all that but her brain was shot,” she said.

The family began to notice Yvonne would wander off now and again. Rhonda eventually moved her down to Melbourne so she could be closer to her, before she was placed in a care facility.

“She knew me right to the end. I’d visit her a couple of times a week, we’d laugh, I have all these wonderful memories,” the actress said. “I’m sad for those people whose loved ones don’t recognise them.”

Read more: Rhonda Burchmore’s tribute to her childhood memories

Yvonne sadly died last year following a suspected heart attack, but remained aware of Rhonda’s presence throughout.

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“We sang the day before she passed. I remember when she did pass the nurses said it’s a blessing in a way that she still knew me and wasn’t completely bed-ridden.”

Rhonda was faced with the devastating duty of not only clearing out her sister’s home, but also her parents’ family house. She immediately noticed her mother had begun hoarding, and as her condition worsened, she’d even tried to hide some of her treasured belongings (including her engagement ring) round the house for “safe-keeping” – before forgetting where she’d put them.

She eventually found the ring by complete luck, after it was hidden in a sewing box, where she’d hidden it and forgotten about it.

“She’d hide all the money that we’d given her, it was a treasure trove of things after she’d passed.”

At one point, Rhonda sent some stockings and clothing away to charity shops, and was contacted by the owner of one who had found old Mother’s Day cards hidden away with $500 in each.

Offering advice to others who are struggling with a loved one’s battle with dementia, she said: “There are so many people in nursing homes who are plonked in there and their loves ones don’t visit. It made me so sad.

“You have to make time, even though it’s not the nicest or most pleasant. I’m so over nursing homes, the smell of the food, urine, and all that, but for me I just think ‘don’t be scared, just go with it’.

“It is scary, especially having to care for them, change a nappy for your mother, watch them suffer, but you just do it. You say ‘that’s not the person they were’. It’s more comforting for me now she’s gone, knowing I put that time in.”

She added: “It would drive you crazy watching her read a magazine, she’d go cover to cover then turn it over and it was like a brand new mag that she’d never seen. But you do what you do.”

Rhonda now hopes her show will help people with their own private battles, and she pays particular attention to making people laugh on stage – driven by her own grief.

“Hopefully people will come to this show and be distracted from their struggles. We get a lot of people who are not well and they go away feeling a lot better,” she said.

In fact, she pays special tribute to her mum in the show when she sings Abba’s ‘Thank You for the Music’ – remembering how her mum would take her to music lessons from the age of two. She also brings on old costumes her mum made her as a child, and they’re all central to the show.

“A lot of people can relate to that whole love of mother’s daughter and friendship,” she said.

ABBA-solutely Fabulous is touring right round Australia, with a particular focus on smaller venues – allowing people from anywhere in the country to attend. For tickets, show times and venues, visit her official website.

Have you lost a loved one to dementia, or is someone you know struggling with it now? Can you relate to Rhonda’s experience?