Joan Rivers was the queen of one-liners 2



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In September two years ago today, the world lost one of its most revered and respected comediennes, Joan Rivers. The comedienne, actress, author, TV host and all-around well-loved celebrity was 81, when she died of complications after a routine throat surgery in New York.

She left behind a legion of fans, but most of all, she left behind her adoring daughter and grandson. Her daughter Melissa had said of her passing,”One of the greatest gifts she gave me was that I was able to say goodbye and not question our feelings for each other. There was no unfinished business between us”. This is line especially is poignant for anyone who has lost a family member and were there, in that moment”.

Speaking of Joan as a grandmother, Melissa said, “[She was] one that liked to undermine any authority that I possibly had with my child! And one of those ones that liked to sit and laugh and point and giving me a hard time, saying, “he’s just like you”!”

She was a firecracker and didn’t seem to have a filter, but as she famously said: “I succeeded because I said what everyone else was thinking”.

We might not have as much gall as Joan but my, was she funny! She was famous for her razor-sharp wit but she also had a tender heart and was known for being very kind underneath it all.

While she poked fun at a lot of people, her biggest target was always herself. She was self-deprecating first and foremost but wasn’t afraid to say what she thought.

The comedy queen was never short of a pointed one-liner and no topic was off limits. Here are our favourite quotes by the queen of one-liners – prepare to laugh loud!

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

“A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

“I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, ‘I don’t believe it.'”

“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”

“I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

“Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”

“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”

“The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: ‘How many czars does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they didn’t have them in those days,’ I think I’ll scream!”

“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

What are your favourite Joan Rivers quotes? What do you remember about her over the years? Share your memories below!

Starts at 60 Writers

The Starts at 60 writers team seek out interesting topics and write them especially for you.

  1. Thought her to be a very rude, ignorant woman, & had no time for her whatsoever!

  2. Joan Rivers was not funny – she was a mean, nasty loudmouth and, like Marcella, I had not time for her.

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