Top Ten Valentine’s Day disasters (and how to avoid them)

Any man deemed as being “of a certain vintage” has cause to look back upon his treasured experiences with the fairer sex.

Having reflected on a lifetime devoted to the wooing, courting, pleasing, appeasing and pampering of women, that man – as with all men – will arrive at one inescapable conclusion: that we don’t know diddly.

Should any man claim that he understands the instincts, nuances, subtleties and thought processes of the fairer sex then his fellow men must gather around him in great numbers and take that man from this place to another place and dunk his head in a bucket of warm porridge – for that man is a liar.

Yet each year the tradition of Valentine’s Day demands of men that they treat their beloved to an evening of romance based on the folly that they know what they’re doing.

To minimise the pain, here are 10 invaluable tips – born from hard experience – to help get you through the expensive ordeal of Valentine’s Day, the cost of which no accountant will allow you write off.

1 Don’t ask. Never, ever ask “would you like to do something on Valentine’s Day?”. This will be taken as a gross insult. Of course she wants to do something. Just go ahead and plan something. If, having done so, she then objects, take it as said that it’s your fault for not having asked first.

2 Flowers. Long considered a key part of Valentine’s Day, be careful to do your homework. Avoid flowers that will attract bees, wasps or hornets, as a sting on your beloved’s nose can put a dent in the evening and upset others in the emergency room. Best to play it safe: use artificial flowers and spray them with a few squirts of air freshener.

3 Chocolates. Women can be fiercely brand loyal so only present chocolates you absolutely know for sure she will like. Spring some unexpected label on her and she’s likely to tear you in half, then offload them on eBay.

4 Cooking. Don’t be fooled into thinking a home-made meal for a woman will impress her. She won’t think you’re being special, she’ll think you’re being cheap. Take her out, scrooge.

5 Champagne. This one’s easy. Never skimp. Always go top of the line. Sell your car if you have to.

6 Music. If you’re back at your place and things are going well be sure to play music she considers romantic not what you consider romantic. Research this months in advance for it is one of the great dividing lines between the sexes and getting it wrong can lead to catastrophe and the smashing of precious vinyl.

7 Clothes. Waiting for your beloved to ask “how do I look?” is a fatal mistake. Always jump in first and say she looks stunning – and always compliment her footwear, even if she’s wearing army boots.

8 Timepiece. Be extra careful not to look at your watch in plain sight for if you glance at it, even for a nanosecond, and she catches you she’s likely to say “oh, you’ve got some place to be?” and there goes the romantic vibe.

9 Limo. If you’re going to splash out on a limousine, be sure to thoroughly check out the vehicle beforehand. Some of them smell funny.

10 Marriage. And here’s the big one. While proposing to your beloved on Valentine’s Day sounds super-romantic it can backfire with ballistic force. The move could be misinterpreted as manipulative and, if rejected, well, that’s every Valentine’s Day ruined for the rest of both your lives.