Bloggers

Third age warrior: Fighting loneliness

Mar 30, 2017

It is amazing how many sixty plus people are lonely and have few friends. Loneliness is not age restricted, though. I know some are loners and care not for social interaction. However, so many say they want friends but don’t have them for a variety of reasons. Some may live in an isolated location or be physically tied to the home for health reasons or due to nursing a loved one.

My heart breaks when I hear of those that have no-one and nowhere to go on special occasions. I would happily invite them all to my place for Christmas dinner, but there would be opposition from my partner who seems to have few friends and is a loner with a social wife. People ring me, and he says “she’s not home…..she’s never home! No, I don’t know where she is!” I’m lucky he doesn’t put my friends off.

In my opinion, we all feel lonely at some stages through life. I think around the time I was 12 years old, then during a marriage breakup were my loneliest times. You definitely find out how many friends you have when you get divorced.

What stops us from making new friends?

For some, it happens when they retire from work where they previously had a social group to hang out with. With no social structure they start to feel sorry for themselves and who wants a friend who is miserable all the time? Others may have had a close group of friends for most of their lives, and suddenly they die or move away. They have a feeling of grief and are reluctant to make new friends because let’s face it, they may die or desert them. Or maybe they have forgotten the skills needed in retaining friends. After the death of a loved one, or a divorce others find it hard to maintain friendships. Also, some people are shy, and the worst possible outcome would be standing in a crowded room where no-one will talk to you.

So what do you do if you are in this position?

Join groups or volunteer. Remember, people are not going to come to you. You have to go to them.
If you are housebound due to looking after another, try to find a support group and also there may be occasional care or someone who can come to give you a break every now and again. You too need a break and social interaction.
If you have disabilities that prevent you going out look into some of the senior’s groups that have a bus to go on outings.
If you have special skills from your working life or leisure skills, offer them. Groups of like-minded individuals are an avenue to pursue. There is no point in only joining groups with people your own age – many young individuals are delightful. Who said your friends have to be your own age?

This is a list of tips:

When you meet new people ask them about themselves. Look them in the eye and be genuinely interested.
To start a conversation say something like “I love your hair/handbag” where did you get it cut/buy it?” Don’t overdo it though or the person will think you are a little strange.
Don’t talk about yourself incessantly and do not be a know-it-all on every subject that comes up – you will find that people avoid you if you do that.
Try to remember people’s names. I am a failure at this, but it is an ego boost if someone you spoke to for ten minutes two weeks ago remembers your name.
Don’t be afraid to ask someone for coffee or to join you on a particular outing. They can only say no.

When I worked, I travelled by train. I would always talk with the people sitting next to me (provided they were up for a chat). People tell you their innermost secrets at times like these because they know they will not see you again. Some of the things I could tell you if I wasn’t sworn to secrecy! Do not tell new friends your secrets or your family or other friends’ secrets. I know you may want to share, however, wait until you are sure they are true friends and don’t gossip.

Smile. Remember others are attracted to pleasant people.