Men and women are very different when it comes to the needs and wants of physical intimacy – sex. We all want satisfaction of course, but it’s through what medium that this satisfaction is achieved that is important. For example, women are more physical, more emotional, and more sensual than men. They ask questions like: ‘What can you do to me?’ On the other hand, men are more visual — ‘What can you do for me?’
It was this in mind that prompted Jane’s shopping trip.
“I bought a vibrator,” she said. “I had never used one before and the closest I had ever come to that kind of stimulus was leaning against the washing machine when it went into the spin cycle.” Jane said this in such a way that it sounded like I should have I known what she was talking about, and that such behaviour was normal. I reassured her, even if the act was not often talked about.
“It is only a small one,” she continued. “I didn’t want John to think I was trying to replace him. I could only imagine the increased feelings of inadequacy he would feel by the introduction of a 12-inch dong that looked like a thermos flask.”
Let me interject. Jane is not the type of woman who is predisposed to visiting adult shops. She was then, and indeed is now, a quiet and reserved kind of lady and it took a lot of courage — having walked passed said establishment several times — to enter. She could also be described as being of average height, around 5’6. Something that adds itself nicely to her slightly larger frame, she often refers to herself as fat, though I prefer to use the term ‘ample’.
“During our younger days, when we both started courting, John had expressed a desire to see me dressed as a French maid. I hadn’t obliged as the idea of dressing up made me feel self-conscious and stupid. Little more than a whore if I’m honest, and so we entered our marriage by way of controlled, respectful and measured love making, which is something I now regret.”
There it was. The statement that, although both Jane and John had enjoyed a healthy sex-life, sex had become somewhat of a ritual. Sex was expected, so when John could no longer fulfill his role in this partnership, he felt emasculated and unnecessary. His feelings of dread were far from imaginary for even though something had taken away his ability to ‘service’ his wife, no one had taken the desire to do so.
Jane continued, “Hanging up above the counter was that very article of clothing. The label attached said ‘One size fits all’. I asked the assistant if it came in my size, without any real hope that it would due to the fact that ‘One size fits all’ seemed to mean something different in my world.”
She tried the maid’s outfit on and reported, somewhat amazed, that it fit.
“My boobs practically fell out of the thing, but I am guessing that was the whole point of the outfit. With boobs desperately trying to escape the confines of the tight-fitting corset that was designed to show them off and with a cleavage you could comfortably park a bike in, fishnet stockings held in place by a suspender belt that made my legs feel like they were spring-loaded and a pair of stiletto heels that added four inches and a feeling of vertigo, I waited to greet my husband as he came home from work that evening.
“Did I feel sexy? I did not. I felt like mutton dressed as lamb. I felt nervous and sick as I heard his key turn in the lock. For a moment I contemplated slipping off the heels and running up the stairs before he could see this old fool dressed like… Well, God knows what.”
I hope you can appreciate how brave Jane was. The courage needed to step out of your comfort zone and accept a very real possibility of rejection by the man that you love is huge. What this woman was willing to do to heal the wounds inflicted by such a traumatic time in both their lives goes beyond duty and beyond love.
“After a shocked pause, he said, ‘What’s all this for?’” Jane smiled and blushed a little. “I told him that I didn’t care whether or not he could get it up. I told him that I wanted him to f*** me. [He said] nothing at first. I think he was a little taken aback at what I was wearing.”
The point here is that communication is the key. Jane recognised that John’s sense of manhood has been brought into question by his lack of ability to perform penetrative sex and has opened up the possibility of an exploration beyond that. Something that would require them to use their imaginations and communicative skills. Without going into details, Jane and John enjoy a varied and new release of intimacy.
“There isn’t much we haven’t tried,” Jane laughed. Another good point: To drop your inhibitions and learn to have fun again, you must be able, and willing to laugh at yourself. Sex should be fun.
Jane also told me that they no longer called it ‘making love’ and had replaced it with something more to the point. The other side of this communicative barrier comes from the man. You have to be able to tell your partner what you want. Tell them your desires and what you would like to do to/with them. You may be surprised at the answer.
Sex is more than what you can do with your genitals. You have so many options to choose from, but the one thing I would like everyone to take away from this blog is that although this worked for Jane and John, you and your partner will have to work things out for yourselves, for contrary to the label attached to Jane’s French maid’s outfit, one size does not fit all.
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