‘My son asked my plans for when I’m elderly, and it got me thinking’

The other day my eldest son was taking me to an appointment; my five-yearly colonoscopy, such things we have to look forward to when we reach our 60s. As we were driving along he asked me if I had considered what might happen to me in the years to come. In all innocence, not, so I asked him what he meant.

He wanted to know what plans, if any, I had should the day come where I’m an incontinent, drooling old man. My initial reply was that I hoped such decisions might not be a consideration for at least 20 years. I wanted to sound hopeful and positive.

His reasoning, he said, was that should the day come he’d like to know what I wanted to have done. The conversation did get me thinking about that phase of my life. At some stage we all have to face the fact that there may come a day where we are no longer in control of our everyday living.

I have told my children that I want to be cremated rather than buried. I have a simple logic for that request. When I visit the cemetery where my parents and grandparents are buried I see so many graves in disrepair. Families have moved on, memories lost to the generations coming through. I want to be remembered by those who know and love me.

In between all that happening of course is staying healthy enough to look after myself. That in itself is challenging, as bits break down, can’t be repaired, I’ve discovered my muscles start to seize up despite the exercise I put them through each day and I rattle day and night from the pills my doctor tells me to take to stay my vibrant self.

Maybe our only experience with all of this comes from our parents and how we dealt with them aging. I know my father stayed home with me for as long as we could manage it, but it became clear to us that he needed 24-hour care. I couldn’t provide that. We were lucky in that he was in a nursing home that treated him well and cared for him until he passed away.

The question my son was asking is ‘Will I know when that time comes?’ Secretly, I wish to go like my mother, feeling unwell one day she lay down to rest and never woke up.

Have you thought about ‘what comes next’? Have you spoken to your family about your intentions?

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