Several readers have contacted me on Facebook about my Scamming the Scammers column, so I’m keeping my promise to give you all some ideas to keep those thieves on the line while giving them a taste of Aussie humour.

Here are a couple of scenarios you can add to as you feel like.

Crazy Cat Lady scenario:

CCL:   Hello.

SCAMMER: (says his rehearsed spiel).

CCL:  Oh dear, oh dear. That’s not very good at all, is it.

SCAMMER:  Is your computer on, Madam?

CCL:  Not at the present time, dear.

SCAMMER:  Can you turn your computer on, please, Madam.

CCL:  Of course, dear, of course. This will have to be fixed. I play Words With Friends online and I wouldn’t want poor Marjorie to think I’d died and gone to heaven because I couldn’t get my word back to her. She’s in Europe, you know, dear. Lives in some cute little village up in the mountains where it snows all winter and she can’t get out. Her name’s not really Marjorie, it’s one of those strange Scandinavian-type names with x’s and zeds but I couldn’t pronounce it so I just call her Marjorie.

SCAMMER: (finally getting a word in)  Are you at your computer now, Madam?

CCL:  Yes, I am, but I’m afraid Thor is on the keyboard. Oh dear.

SCAMMER:  Can Thor turn the computer on, please, Madam?

CCL:  Oh, no, dear, no, no, no. Though sometimes I think he thinks he can, clever boy.

SCAMMER:  Can someone please turn on the computer, Madam, we have to work quickly on this.

CCL:  Of course, of course. I’ll just have to shift Thor. He’s such a heavy boy, and I do wish he wouldn’t sleep on the keyboard, he loses far too much hair. He’s a Russian Blue, you know, a very regal cat. Though I’m almost afraid to tell people he’s a Russian what with the war in Ukraine and all. There, I’ve turned the computer on now, and I’m moving Thor, but he’s not really happy about it. And – OH NO! Thumbelina, leave the mouse alone. You can’t have it, naughty girl, I’ll need it to help this nice man who’s trying to fix my computer. (then, talking to scammer) She has such a fixation on the mouse. She used to chew the cord so I had to get one of those, you know, free-range mice.

SCAMMER:  Cordless mouse, Madam.

CCL:  Oh, that’s right. Silly me. Well, she’s still fascinated by the mouse. I suppose she can’t understand that it no longer has a tail.

Of course, this being a pretend scenario, the scammer’s reactions may not be predictable. Please feel free to ad-lib as the call progresses, even pretending to press keys that “don’t work” and explaining that’s what cat hair does to keyboards.

And one for the fellas – Aussie Bloke scenario:

SCAMMER: (says his rehearsed spiel).

AB:  Yeah, sure, mate, don’t need the computer stuffed up, do we? Bloody government wanting to put NBN underground where the rabbits can have a chew. Shoulda coated the lines with Myxomatosis. Bloody city slickers wouldn’t have a clue about us in the regions. You’d think they’d use satellites, wouldn’t ya. Probably afraid the bloody Russians would shoot them out of the sky.

Hold on a sec, just gotta tell the wife what I’m doing. She’s on the dunny. (yelling loudly so scammer is deafened) Hey, Luv, I’m getting on the computer. It needs fixing. (walk around for a few seconds). Okay, mate, what do I do?

SCAMMER: Is your internet on?

AB:  Yeah, I think so. Hold on. (yelling loudly) Hey, Darls, is the internet on? (pause for a second). (yelling loudly again) I said, is the internet on? (longer pause) She says yes. So what do I do now?

SCAMMER:  Press key (???)

AB:  No keys on this thing, mate, just a lot of buttons with letters and numbers on them.

SCAMMER:  Those buttons are called keys. Please press key (???)

AB:  Can’t see one of those, mate. Where will I find it?

SCAMMER: (explains).

AB:  Nah, don’t seem to have one of those, mate.

SCAMMER: (repeats explanation).

AB:  Nah, nothing like that on my keyboard, mate. Must be a different brand.

SCAMMER:  What brand is it?

AB:  It’s an Upyours, mate.

SCAMMER:  I don’t know that brand. Where is it made?

AB:  In Australia, mate. You know the ad – Made by Australians, for Australians. Upyours, the keyboard you didn’t know you needed.

I hope you like these suggestions and will do your bit to keep scammers uselessly occupied. If you’d like more, just let me know. I’ve been thinking about …

Sorry, I have to go – my phone is ringing.