Nothing describes our world, navigates our journey nor dictates our behaviour more so than three-word phrases.
And the blighters are everywhere.
Whichever way you turn are signs, labels, posters, stickers, badges, billboards, adverts, advice and yet more signs bearing three-word phrases telling you what to do, where to go, how to behave and that you must immediately go out and get these Hot New Sneakers because they are On Sale Now as part of Stocktake Insanity Month where you can enjoy the Bargain Price Madness taking place.
So, to the mall you go to get the sneakers with the Impact Absorbing Heels and the Reinforced Toe Caps and the Water Resistant Coating – all made with Eco-Friendly Materials, of course – because the online ad screamed there was Extremely Limited Stock so Don’t Miss Out!
Only the sign on the escalator leading up to the shop says Do Not Enter because the thing is Out of Order. So you hit the stairs, being careful Not To Run because stairs are Slippery When Wet, made clear by the graphic illustration of a stick figure falling backwards onto a set of zig-zagging steps designed to maim.
The shoe shop was Closed For Renovations but, says the giant words scrawled on the window, it’s now re-opened with a Totally New Look and is Under New Management who are dedicated to a Quality Customer Service policy, meaning you get served first because of your Loyalty Privilege Membership.
But the salesgirl puts your new sneakers in a paper bag as the big sign above the counter decrees No Plastic Bags so the company can Reduce Reuse Recycle (poster to the left) and Save Our Planet (poster to the right) because Green Is Good (sticker on counter) and that we need Climate Action Now (badge on girl).
After obeying her command to Please Tap Here she asks for your mobile number For Our Records so she can send you the receipt, but you politely decline because, sweet child, that is way Too Much Information, even for a pair of sneakers with Energy Return Cushioning and an Adaptive Lacing System – whatever that is.
You walk by the franchise fast food outlet and though your doctor gave you a brochure titled Junk Food Kills you go in anyway and order the Super Double Cheese Extra Bacon Prime Beef Mega Burger because this Red Hot Deal is a Limited Time Offer, the brightly coloured digital displays dictating Don’t Miss Out.
As you wolf down this disgusting greaseburger you see on the wrapper how important it is to Get The App so you don’t miss out on the next Red Hot Deal, which will invariably be a One Time Only thing.
At home it’s time to relax and you’re excited because your favourite show has All New Episodes.
But your device tells you No Internet Connection, which you fix only to be told Updates Now Available to magically Optimise Your Browsing. But you can’t be bothered so you Skip For Now yet are then asked Are You Sure?, so you click Remind Me Later hoping that this will be enough to Shut It Up.
The laundry must be done and the flashy bottle of washing liquid declares how it’s New and Improved because of a Brand New Formula that will get your jeans and gym socks Crisp and Clean.
A quick scan of the cabinet under the basin is crammed with other pearls of priceless three-word wisdom.
The razor-toothed mousetrap is stamped Not A Toy. A bottle of grout cleaner warns Do Not Swallow. A box of laundry tablets cautions Do Not Eat. The jumbo can of insect spray suggests you Avoid Eye Contact. The spray gun of weed killer advises Do Not Inhale.
But why?
Because doing so May Cause Illness.
Then beneath that caution, in large red letters: And Possibly Death.
Salient warnings these. So, folks – Please Take Note.
And should this article save your life, think nothing of it. You can…
Thank Me Later.
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