Conspiracyland – a brief and friendly guide to the real truth about the world (which is flat)

With age comes wisdom and with that wisdom comes the growing realisation that most of the things widely dismissed as conspiracy theories are, in fact, revelations about the true nature of our world.

Chief among these is the shape of it.

Most people have been fooled into thinking our world is a sphere, like a basketball or a volleyball or any other comparable piece of sporting equipment. This is an outright lie.

In actuality, the world is shaped like a large serving platter, the type you might use to present hors d’oeuvre and maybe some garnish if you’re offering cold cuts and Camembert with crackers to your guests.

A map of the Flat Earth shows all the known continents surrounded by a giant Ice Wall. Beyond this wall are yet more continents with their own civilisations and cities.

Yet if you ask a travel agent about discounted holidays to these lands and they will say they don’t exist – as they are instructed to. Try it.

So why, some might ask, does footage from space show the Earth to be round with no evidence of this so-called Ice Wall?

Simple: it is all faked – just like the Moon landings, which were filmed in a secret studio run by the US government.

Don’t believe it? Look closely at all that old lunar footage and you can clearly see how the Earth in the background is a painted serving platter suspended from a ceiling covered in dark bedsheets to make it look like outer space. Look even closer and you can see the wires.

The Moon itself is not a planet as we have been conditioned to believe, but a huge inflated balloon that floats within the upper atmosphere of our Flat Earth.

And what are the craters on the Moon? Evidence of meteor impacts? No. They are the outlines of giant Camembert wheels. Yes, folks. The Moon is made of cheese, the type you might present to guests on an Earth-shaped serving platter.

The stars, too, exist not in the infinite reaches of the Cosmos but within a celestial dome called The Firmament, within which all matter exists – aside, that is, from those laundry items that somehow manage to escape through rifts in the space/time continuum and disappear into the Great Void.

Feeling peckish? Well, before you chow down on that piece of fruit think of how it was genetically modified to look so delicious in photo shoots for supermarket catalogues. How many herbicides and pesticides is it covered with?

Now, look up. See all those weird lines criss-crossing the sky? They’re not strange cloud formations but Chem Trails being spat out by high-altitude jets designed to fill the air we breathe with who knows what.

It’s hard to know who to trust. At least you have your friends, your family, that special someone you’ve chosen to spend your life with.

Just don’t look into their eyes too closely lest you see the tell-tale signs that they are, in fact, alien lizard people who monitor everything you say and do.

We have known for decades that aliens from strange, advanced civilisations live among us. They try behaving as we do, pretending to be members of our species yet we see through the charade, as anyone who has ever dealt with a human resources officer can attest.

This is part of the vast government cover-up to keep secret the fleets of UFOs that visit us, their occupants infiltrating our lives to siphon all of our knowledge and culture for their own nefarious ends.

And from where do these aliens hail? Some distant galaxy billions of light years away, you think. But there is no outer space. So, where do they come from? Where do they go when their shift is up?

To the other side of the Flat Earth, that’s where.

Why else are they here trying to pick up tips for better living? You think it’s easy living in a place where everything is upside down? Just imagine all that broken crockery.

And who is it that governs both sides of the serving platter? Who is it who has ultimate control over us all?

The Illuminati, that’s who.

This infinitely wealthy, infinitely powerful, super-secret network of business people, religious figures, titans of industry and dental hygienists preside over all of us.

Their agents are watching us constantly, listening in, recording our lives, wondering why we only understand 10% of the buttons on our remote controls.

(Important note: The Illuminati are not Lizard People; the Lizard People work for The Illuminati. This is a common mistake and can prove embarrassing in social situations.)

Some skeptics say that none of this is true, that what we experience as reality is actually a vast and elaborate simulation, possibly a science experiment being conducted by an intergalactic school kid.

This would explain many things, such as why people insist there is any difference between brown onions and red onions, even though they taste the same when mixed into a large vegan salad.

Should you, perchance, have any difficulty believing any of this or require incontrovertible proof of the veracity behind these claims then all you need do is consult that great repository of all ultimate truths – The Internet.

There you will find more detailed explanations about all these matters – and many more besides – than you could possibly fit into one lifetime.

Not that it matters, for you shall enjoy many lifetimes. The Illuminati shall see to that.

All you have to do in exchange for this gift is keep quiet about all you have learnt and to offer friendly advice should you ever be asked about onions and vegan salads by the Lizard People.