Behold! Your senior super powers revealed: A user-friendly guide

It is not until you enter that period of life dubiously referred to as your “Golden Years”, your “Autumn Years” or, perhaps most ominously, your “Twilight Years” (when we all apparently turn into vampires and werewolves) that you learn how the limitations and infirmities that come with getting older are accompanied by a series of remarkable superpowers.

This will no doubt come as a shock to some, yet these superpowers are manifestly evident during the course of any given day.

Most prominent among these is the superpower of Invisibility.

Walk into any store, cafe, shop or any retail establishment where the target demographic is younger than “those of a certain age” – another dreaded euphemism – and you’ll find how all of a sudden nobody can see you.

Not the sales assistants, not the bar staff, not the waiters, the baristas, the check-in people – nobody.

You can stand there in plain sight for minutes on end and people will not only walk right passed you, but sometimes even through you. It’s a compelling experience.

Only when you attract attention – usually by grabbing somebody by the lapel – that you suddenly, mysteriously materialise.

It’s usually at these moments you discover another ability – the superpower of Prophecy.

As you try explaining what you want or what you’re looking for you notice in their tender young eyes a glazed, faraway look as they pretend to pay attention yet are clearly dreaming about the weekend or an upcoming tryst.

That’s when you can see how their whole future will turn out, how they will make the least effort required, settle into some menial station in life and remain there until they are “of a certain age”. This often happens when dealing with bank tellers and council officers.

Probably the most alarming senior superpower is Foresight, wherein you know within seconds how the rest of an event is going to pan out.

You arrive at a party or a social gathering and before you’ve even handed over your coat you just know you’re in for several hours of solid tedium.

Luckily, you survive such encounters thanks to another blessed superpower – Fakery.

Arguably the most valuable senior superpower of all, this one allows you to appear fascinated by people who, in normal circumstances, you wouldn’t share an escalator with.

They can yap endlessly about their speedboat, their camping trip, their luxury holiday cruise, their hospital stay or, inevitably, their children and you’ll sit there, nodding away pleasantly while your eyes glaze over and your mind drifts off to think about the weekend or an upcoming tryst.

When it comes to extricating oneself from awkward situations, most useful is the senior superpower of Excusiosity.

Throughout most of our lives we stumble and strain to come up with excuses to get out of things or away from people, yet once we become “of a certain age” we discover with volcanic glee how making excuses is now second nature and can be called upon in an instant.

To illustrate, take those painful instances when you run into someone you haven’t seen for ages and who you were perfectly happy never to see or hear about ever again.

Now here you are, standing in the street with an old school acquaintance, work colleague or ex- partner and they want to chat away about the good old days.

You don’t want to talk about the good old days. There were no good old days. You haven’t seen this person for years and already you’re sick of the sight of them.

Fortunately, and before they can ask how you’re doing, if you want to grab a drink or how you can stay in touch you say how you’d love to stay and talk but you’ve just got to rush off.

There’s a meeting/dental appointment/legal matter/plumbing issue you must attend to immediately but as you scurry away it’s always with the declaration “Hey, so great seeing you!”

Such is the potency of Excusiosity, yet it is dwarfed by the senior superpower of Extended Interlocutor Engagement – also known less eloquently but more bluntly as The Gift of the Gab.

This superpower endows those who possess it with the uncanny capacity to engage unsuspecting people in prolonged and detailed discussions about matters of utter triviality.

These screeds typically include countless digressions, diversions, footnotes and addendums and are always deployed with a sole purpose – vengeance.

For what better way to get back at someone over some misdeed than grounding them into the dust with an endless spiel?

These are but some of the senior superpowers conferred upon “those of a certain age”.

Among others are the superpowers of Mind Reading, Levitation, Time Dilation, Astral Travel and Knowing When to Call a Qualified Tradesperson Rather Than Doing It Yourself.

If you’ve yet to discover these senior superpowers you shall soon enough during the course of your daily life.

When you do, please enjoy them responsibly. Wearing a cape is optional.