What relationship do you have with your dog?

Take our special dog quiz

The bond that forms between a dog and its owner can be a beautiful and precious thing, offering fun, friendship and many opportunities to learn about the intricacies of the canine digestive system.

That said, the relationship between the species can sometimes get a bit blurry, leading to behaviours and attitudes fellow humans might find troubling.

To assess whether or not you have a healthy relationship with your dog, take our scientifically designed quiz.

Please answer all questions truthfully. Do not consult your dog.

Do you consider your dog:

1. A pet.
2. A loyal and trusted companion.
3. A true friend.
4. The only one of God’s creatures that gives purpose and meaning to life.

When talking to your dog do you:

1. Use brief commands.
2. Use half sentences.
3. Speak with an authoritative voice.
4. Believe that it actually understands what you are saying.

Have you ever tried communicating with your dog by barking at it?

Yes.

No.

If so, how did it respond?

1. It barked back.
2. It wagged its tail.
3. It ran into the next room.
4. It looked at me like I was nuts.

When walking your dog do you:

1. Use a leash.
2. Keep it from annoying people.
3. Keep it from annoying other dogs.
4. Allow it to run around and do whatever it likes because this is their world, too.

When feeding your dog do you:

1. Leave the dog alone while it eats.
2. Make sure it also has water.
3. Use a proper sized dish.
4. Watch the dog closely and take notes to assess how much it is enjoying its meal.

Have you ever posted videos of your dog on YouTube?

1. No, never.
2. Once or twice when it does something funny.
3. Yes, when it’s part of a family activity.
4. My dog has its own channel which is updated at 1pm every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.

Did you give your dog a hyphenated name?

Yes.

No.

Does your dog wear any type of custom-made clothing?

Yes.

No.

Does your dog wear hand-knitted booties?

Yes.

No.

Do you ever carry your dog around rather than letting it walk like a normal dog?

Yes.

No.

If so, how often?

1. Once in a while.
2. Once a month.
3. Once a week.
4. My dog’s paws are never allowed to touch the ground.

Have you ever wheeled your dog around a major shopping centre in a pram?

Yes.

No.

Do you watch TV with your dog?

Yes.

No.

If so, do you discuss the programs afterwards?

1. Never.
2. Of course not.
3. No, that would be crazy.
4. All the time.

Do you ever set a place for your dog at the dinner table?

Yes.

No.

If so, do you let it order off the menu?

Yes.

No.

Have you ever tried getting your dog to use cutlery, just to see?

Yes.

No.

If your dog suddenly disappeared, which of the following statements would most closely describe your reaction:

1. It ran away.
2. It has wandered off and will be home in time for dinner.
3. It has wandered off, become lost and will be adopted by the next family that feeds it;.
4. It has been abducted by aliens and taken back to its home planet.

If your dog was kidnapped, how much ransom would you pay for its safe return?

1. $10.
2. $100.
3. $1000.
4. The current market value of my house.

If your spouse said: “I’m completely sick of how much time and attention you waste on that lousy mutt. It’s me or the dog,” would you:

1. Beg forgiveness for being so neglectful and vow to become a better person.
2. Promise to spend more quality time with them.
3. Get rid of the dog.
4. Take more than five seconds thinking about your answer.

When your dog makes a mess in the house, which of the following comments are you most likely to make to the dog:

1. Bad dog.
2. That’s it. No more indoor privileges for you.
3. We need to work on our boundary issues.
4. I don’t know how or why but deep down I know this is all my fault.

If it was legal, would you marry your dog?

Yes.

No.

Would you invite the media to cover the event?

Yes.

No.

Would you make your dog sign a pre-nup?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Possibly, but only after consulting a lawyer.
4. Of course not. What’s mine is theirs.

Here are the results. How did you do?

If you answered 1, 2, 3 or NO to any of the above questions – congratulations. You have a normal relationship with your dog.

If you answered 4 or YES to any of the above questions, seek psychiatric help immediately.

Thank you for participating.