Friday Giggle: A divorce with a few surprises

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good! I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new hair cut. I cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate dinner in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all of your silly soaps.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, and you don’t want sex anymore. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving to Queensland together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Receiving your letter made my day. Yes, we’ve been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my silly soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice you had a hair cut last week, and the first thing that came to mind was: “You look just like a girl!”  But my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have had me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I’d won ten million dollars in the Lotto, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a cent from me. So, take care.  Your rich-as-hell-and-freeeeeeeeeeee EX-Wife
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I do hope that’s not a problem