I feel like a partner with benefits

Sex & Relationships expert Bess Strachan answers our reader questions.

Bev writes: I am 63 and my husband is 67.
Firstly due to sleep apnea, my CPAP machine and restless insomnia, my husband kicked me out of the main bed and bedroom. This was not my idea and had some impact on my desire to get intimate when he wanted as I felt like a partner with benefits, not a wife or loved partner
My husband is also an alcoholic and drinks in the bedroom during the night and the room stinks like a pub. Due to the alcohol he is unable able to maintain and erection – but blamed me for it
I do still love him but there has been no physical contact for about three years. He will not hug or even a kiss unless sex is on the cards.
I crave affection.

Bev, turning 60 or 63 isn’t supposed to mean the end of closeness, comfort, or genuine affection in marriage – even as life throws some unwelcome curve balls. Your story – coping with insomnia and CPAP machines, finding yourself suddenly evicted from the marital bed, facing the troubles of alcohol in the bedroom, and aching for a touch or gentle word – is a powerful reminder of how real life can look so different from the romantic images we see in films or hear in sermons.

These are tough issues, and it’s natural to feel hurt and disconnected. Medical conditions like sleep apnea and insomnia can do serious damage to intimacy, shifting sleeping arrangements and leaving one partner feeling isolated or “on the outer.” This is especially true when solutions – like using a CPAP machine or sleeping separately – feel imposed rather than chosen together. The emotional toll is multiplied if the change saps the last bit of everyday tenderness, leaving intimacy only to appear when sex is sought, never simply as a hug or a kiss.

Add alcohol to the mix and things can spiral. Alcohol misuse corrodes the foundations of a marriage: trust, respect, and the capacity for healthy physical affection. It’s no surprise that drinking in the bedroom, unpleasant odours, and the embarrassment of nocturnal accidents would dampen desire. Medical research is clear – alcohol is a major culprit in erectile difficulties, yet too often blame falls unfairly on partners, never the bottle. Such blame bruises confidence and makes meaningful connection even more elusive.

If words and gestures of daily affection have disappeared, it’s understandable that you now feel more a “partner with benefits” than a loved wife. Long stretches without cuddles, shared laughs, or reassuring conversation sharpen the sense of loneliness – even in marriages that remain technically intact. Studies tell us older couples thrive on small acts of connection: holding hands, the occasional compliment, sharing daily routines, or planning a pleasant afternoon together. These simple rituals often do more to sustain love than grand romantic gestures.

You are not alone in craving affection and warmth. Honest conversation is the first – and hardest – step. Even if your husband resists, setting time aside to talk gently but openly about your need for companionship, support, and physical closeness can sometimes reignite a little of what’s been lost. Consider couples counselling, where a neutral voice can sometimes help both sides see beyond the day-to-day struggles. If alcohol is overwhelming the relationship, outside support from your GP or a local service may make a difference.

Above all, remember: feeling lonely or longing for affection does not mean you are weak, selfish, or past the age where such things matter. On the contrary, later-life love and intimacy are vital to our health, happiness, and well-being. You deserve respect, care, and genuine partnership – not just when the sheets are warm, but when the days are long and the nights feel lonely.

For those facing similar trials, reach out to trusted friends, community groups, or your own GP. Life is full of chapters, and it’s never too late to seek the connection and tenderness you need.

If you have a question please email Bess at [email protected]