Of all the cherished instincts that define our humanity it is the selfless impulse to help others that truly distinguishes us from our simian cousins, who are never around when you need to move a fridge.
“Can you gimme a hand?” comes the plaintive cry from the neighbour/friend/relative and, with nary a thought to our own needs, off we go to help out.
Often we don’t even need to be asked, so noble is the desire to do good for a fellow human.
Still, it can be a pain. All that effort and will power. Who can be bothered?
Yet we all want to be thought of as useful and selfless, even if we’re not. So, how best to have it both ways?
Some tips:
Moving Furniture – It might not seem like that big a deal to help someone drag a couch or a wardrobe half way across the room, yet it is time that could be better spent eating ice cream straight from the tub.
So, just as you’re about to grab on to your end of whatever it is, suddenly get out your phone as if it just vibrated, look at the screen and say “oh, sorry. I’ve got to take this.”
It is then a simple matter of walking into another room and pretending to talk to someone, making sure to give the other person plenty of time to find someone else.
The Neighbour – When it comes to big jobs that require plenty of physical exertion most neighbours are too proud to ask for help – which is great.
So when you see them building a fence or hauling stuff out onto the nature strip for hard rubbish collection, just watch them through the front window and wait until they’re nearly done.
Then you pop out and enthusiastically say something like: “Hey there! Need another pair of hands?” to which they will invariably reply: “That’s OK. Nearly done. Thanks all the same.” And then you say:
“No problem. Anytime.”
Homework – This one’s easy. All stupid questions and requests for help from academically non-gifted high schoolers can be summarily deflected by uttering the golden phrase: “If you don’t figure it out for yourself you’ll never get anywhere in life.”
They hate that – so be sure to enjoy saying it.
Party Guest – Another easy one. When you’re invited to a soiree or dinner party you’re never expected to do any chores – which is all the more reason to make the offer.
At meal’s end as the hosts are collecting plates and cutlery you say: “Hey, let me help you with those,” to which they have to say: “Oh no, thank you. You’re our guest.”
Which is absolutely correct.
Babies – Precious, life-enhancing and a joy to behold – so long as you’re not the one holding them.
A baby can be a handful – and an earful, especially when they cry and scream so loudly you’d think the Earth was about to split in two.
Hence, the instant you see a parent trying to comfort one, immediately offer to hold it for them.
They will naturally decline your kind offer, thus letting you off the hook for the rest of the visit. Because they can’t ask you later on, can they?
Moving House – This is the big one, folks.
Everyone needs help when moving house, either moving stuff out of the old abode or in to the new one. Often both.
Your invaluable assistance will be solicited weeks, sometimes months, in advance and you, being the good friend, will enthusiastically make yourself available, marking the date on your calendar.
Be sure to bring it up every time you speak to them, reminding them about how much you’re looking forward to helping them out on The Big Day.
Then on the eve of The Big Day you send a text: Have just been hit with chronic back pain.
Won’t be able to help out tomorrow.
Sorry! 😢
And guess what? They’ll never fault you because you’ll send them a nice bottle of champagne. (Nothing over $8.99.)
Besides, that’ll teach them for doing it themselves instead of hiring a moving company. Cheapskates.
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