Who would I trust to make decisions for me? A conversation every Australian needs to have

As we get older, we become experts at preparing for life’s twists and turns – retirement, downsizing, grandkids, health checks. But there’s one question many Australians aged 60-plus still avoid, even though it may be the most important of all: If I couldn’t make decisions for myself, who would I trust to make them for me?

As part of the ongoing iDecide and Starts at 60 conversation series, I’ve been reflecting deeply on this question. And the more I sit with it, the clearer it becomes: this isn’t a legal exercise or a tick-the-box form. It’s a profoundly human decision that affects everything from our healthcare to our comfort, dignity and quality of life – especially in our later years.

Most of us instinctively assume the answer is simple: family. A partner, an adult child, or a sibling. Someone who loves us. Someone who “just knows” what we’d want. But love alone doesn’t guarantee clarity. In fact, when things get difficult, love can cloud judgement rather than sharpen it.

I’ve seen it happen. A friend trusted her daughter completely – until a doctor asked a difficult question about treatment versus comfort. Her daughter froze. “I knew what Mum wanted,” she said afterwards, “but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.” The guilt, fear and responsibility collided all at once.

And that’s the heart of the dilemma: the person who loves us most may not be the person best equipped to make the hardest decisions.

This is exactly why the iDecide conversation series exists – to help older Australians talk openly about these issues before life forces them upon us.

So I’ve asked myself honestly:
Who knows my values? Who is steady under pressure? Who could make decisions even if they’re emotionally painful? And have I ever told them what I want?

We assume people “just know.” But unless we’ve said it clearly, they probably don’t.

And then there’s the most challenging part of all: end-of-life choices.

Many of us carry private wishes we’ve never voiced. If faced with serious illness or cognitive decline, would I want:

• every medical intervention possible?

• comfort-focused care only?

• to refuse treatments that prolong suffering?

• to consider voluntary assisted dying, where legal?

These are intimate, powerful decisions – and absolutely not choices we want others guessing on our behalf.

If we haven’t chosen someone, the system may choose for us. Doctors may err on the side of prolonging life. Family members may argue. People we care about may make decisions based on their fears, not our values.

For me, the right decision-maker needs three things:

1. Emotional resilience – someone who won’t crumble under pressure.
2. Respect for autonomy – someone who can honour my wishes even if they feel differently.
3. A willingness to talk openly now – before any crisis happens.

And here’s something many older Australians don’t realise: your substitute decision-maker doesn’t have to be family.
It could be:

• a trusted friend

• a sibling

• an adult child

• a partner

• or someone else entirely

The best person is the one who will follow your wishes – not their own hopes or fears.

At 60-plus, we’re wise enough to know that avoiding the topic won’t stop life from asking the same question later, when we’re least prepared. Tools like iDecide make these conversations easier – they help us document preferences, think through end-of-life choices, and communicate clearly with those we trust.

Planning ahead isn’t morbid. It’s empowering.

It ensures that no matter what happens – illness, injury or cognitive decline – your voice is still heard, your values still matter, and your wishes guide the decisions that shape the final chapters of your life.

So ask yourself today, while you still can:

If I lost the ability to decide for myself, who would I trust to speak for me? And do they know what I’d want?

It’s not a question about dying.

It’s a question about living on your own terms, right to the very end.