Valentine’s Day has a way of amplifying longing.
For some, it’s a celebration of love already found. For others, it’s a reminder of what’s been lost, what is slipping, or what hasn’t yet arrived. And for many people who are single, it’s also a moment of quiet resolve: maybe this is the year I try again.
In the first few months of the year, we see a familiar pattern emerge. Dating apps report a surge in sign-ups as the psychological shift of a “new year, fresh start” takes hold. Past disappointments are put aside often (with encouragement from friends and family), and people tentatively re-enter the search for connection.
Despite the negative stories about online dating that tend to travel fastest, the reality is far more nuanced – and far more hopeful.
As the modern-day matchmaker, online dating has a lot to offer. Quite literally, it opens up a much wider field of potential partners than most of us could ever assemble on our own. But it also offers a greater sense of agency. You set the brief, you decide the pace, and you choose the opportunities.
For people who are time-poor, online dating can reduce the cost, pressure and sheer inefficiency of hoping to meet someone in the wild. Virtual conversations and video dates allow people to connect without investing too emotionally or financially, before there’s genuine interest.
That’s the upside. But it would be naïve to pretend there aren’t risks.
Online dating doesn’t remove the possibility of disappointment, deception, or poor behaviour. People may misrepresent themselves, or they may promise things – like being single or wanting a relationship – only to reveal the opposite. You can still invest time and energy in dates that don’t go anywhere or feel mistreated along the way.
Some people remain convinced that meeting someone “the old-fashioned way” – through friends or community – must be safer or more authentic, and sometimes that’s true. But many people find their existing circles can’t deliver anything new or simply offer more of what hasn’t worked before.
So the question becomes not whether online dating is good or bad, but how to approach it in a way that protects your wellbeing, improves your chances of success, and reflects the kind of partner you want to be.
Are you ready?
Before putting yourself out there, it’s worth asking a difficult but important question: am I really ready?
If you’re still processing past hurts, carrying unresolved anger, or hoping a new relationship will fix loneliness, validate you, or repair damage done elsewhere in your life, dating can quickly become painful – for you and for others.
You don’t need to be perfectly healed to date. None of us are. But you do need enough equilibrium and self-respect to weather the inevitable ups and downs, without it feeding an already fragile sense of self. The person you’re about to meet isn’t there to rehabilitate or rescue you.
Be clear about what you want and truthful about who you are
When preparing your profile, honesty matters more than optimism.
Don’t say you love long walks on the beach if you hate sand. Don’t pose with a fishing rod if you’ve fished once in your life. Use a current photo and be honest about your height. These small distortions may feel harmless, but they almost always collapse on contact – and leave you looking untrustworthy before anything meaningful can begin.
At the same time, don’t make your preferences a straitjacket. Know your non-negotiables but leave room for surprise. Many people find connection in places they didn’t expect.
Take your time
One of the biggest mistakes people make is to rush from texting straight to meeting.
Moving gradually from messaging to voice calls to video allows you to gather more information before committing to a date. Those who skip these steps often find the reality gap too wide to bridge and feel disappointed or resentful when chemistry doesn’t translate.
If you’re booking dates every night of the week, it’s worth pausing to ask whether you’re managing anxiety or loneliness rather than genuinely getting to know someone. Good conversations evolve. One person at a time is usually enough.
Remember that you never owe anyone your time, your body or your attention before you’re ready. Feeling pressured is a red flag, not a challenge to overcome.
What stories are you going to tell?
Before dating, take stock of your life as it is now.
If you’re deeply unhappy at work, stuck in rumination about an ex, or feeling disconnected from your own sense of purpose, it can be hard to generate conversations that inspire connection. A relationship won’t fix these gaps – it will only sit alongside them.
You don’t need to pretend that life is perfect. But if there are things that need attention, it’s kinder to yourself to address them first and invite a partner in as a complement, not a solution.
Decide what kind of dating partner you want to be
It’s easy to focus on what you want from others. It’s harder (and more important) to consider how you behave yourself.
Most people on dating apps are not villains. There are a few bad actors, but many more decent people looking for connection, just like you.
Hotly pursuing someone, texting constantly, then disappearing without explanation isn’t just hurtful, it’s harmful. Being left with silence often leads people to internalise blame that doesn’t belong to them.
If you recognise the person isn’t for you, say so. “It’s been nice meeting you, but this doesn’t feel right for me. I wish you the best.” Kindness and clarity allow people to move on without unnecessary damage.
Take breaks when you need to
Dating can wear you down. If disappointment starts turning into cynicism or hopelessness, it’s time for a pause. Reflect on whether setbacks came from breaking your own rules, rushing, or settling for less than you wanted. Recalibrate and re-engage when you feel ready.
Finding love, whether through an app or otherwise, asks of us the same things as any meaningful relationship: honesty, kindness, boundaries, courage and openness.
Valentine’s Day may shine a spotlight on romantic love, but how we treat one another along the way matters just as much as the outcome. When we approach dating with care, we improve our chances of connection and create a culture of dating that does less harm, and leaves more room for hope.
Elisabeth Shaw (above) is CEO, Relationships Australia NSW
Relationships Australia NSW offers counselling and relationship support services for individuals and couples at every stage of life, whether you’re thinking about dating again, already in a new relationship, or simply wanting support to feel more connected. Support is available in person and online. You can find out more at relationshipsnsw.org.au or call us on 1300 364 277.
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