My client, Emma, is a wealthy woman in her sixties. She says, “I have everything that anyone could want. We don’t have any money worries, my husband is attentive and, amazingly, still in love with me, and I can do what I want. I have hobbies, activities and friends, but my life seems empty. I feel depressed and I don’t know why.”
Emma is not unusual. I see many clients like Emma, men and women for whom the long-dreamed retirement may bring material comfort through good investments and an apparently perfect life, but it fails to provide the happiness they expected.
Some people complain of a void and a vague discontent that arises from a feeling of meaninglessness, characterised by the subjective state of boredom, apathy and emptiness. These clients feel cynical, lack direction and question the point of most of life’s activities. Sometimes the feeling is occasional and is merely an awareness that their lives are essentially empty, once the bridge or golf games have finished and they are home alone.
It’s a lot easier to find purpose and meaning to your life when you have a demanding job or the kids are still at school. But one of the most major changes that happens as we shift to the afternoon years is that purpose and meaning derived from the old way of life which centred on work and family, changes fundamentally. Seeking and finding a new purpose in life is not easy.
But to have meaning is one of our most basic human needs (see www.hgi.org.uk on our Human Given Needs). Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed that in the concentration camps, in even the most absurd, painful, and dehumanised situations, some people were able to be resilient and even find peace and calm, while others quickly withered and died. The difference between the survivors and the rest, he decided, was that they had managed to find some kind of purpose in their situation, even that their suffering had meaning.
The same principles can be seen with people who do ‘menial’ jobs: there are some supermarket shelf stackers who take great pride in their work and derive satisfaction from having the shelves neatly full and ordered. They are the ones who have found meaning in their jobs. Some parents view their job as caregiver responsible for the formation of another human being and the creation of a happy, secure adult optimising their potential, other parents think that being a Mum or Dad is a chore and a drudge. The same phenomenon exists regardless of class, ethnicity or group.
But in our everyday lives, particularly those where all the basic needs are met and life is not a daily struggle, it can be tough to find meaning. Why are you here? What is the purpose of your existence now that you are soon to retire or are already retired and the kids have grown? For many, these are very real questions to which there is no easy answer.
Many people find that religious belief systems, whether New Age belief in the power of the universe or a Christian, Muslim, Jewish or other framework for God, is more the adequate to fill their lives with meaning. However critics of belief systems point out that being a strong ‘true’ believer will only result in giving up your identity for the identity of the collective and can eventually fail to provide meaning. As a therapist, I respect any belief system that the client brings to the therapy room and will encourage the strength that they can deliver.
My first step in working with clients who are struggling to find purpose and meaning is to teach them mindfulness and some simple mindful practices such as observing the breath. Being in the moment, in the here and now, helps to detach from dissatisfaction about the past, and depression about a supposedly bleak present and future. The trick is to separate the noise and distraction of language and society from the true sound of your self and your feelings. By coming to understand yourself and your place in society it will be easier to find meaning.
Clearly, meaning is different for everyone, but it starts with being able to determine what has power for you. This does not mean that the dissatisfied shelf-stacker will suddenly find it rewarding or the ground-down housewife will suddenly find joy in floor washing, but gradually (or for some, suddenly) a reason for being here will become more apparent. Acceptance and contentment will follow.
Do you feel like you have found your purpose in life since turning 60? What do you do to enrich your life and feel your value?
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