Q: My son is getting divorced after 15 years of marriage. Thankfully, there are no children involved. I really like my daughter-in-law. We are friends, kindred spirits. Do I need to dump her to support my son?
A: Starts at 60 relationships writer Bess Strachan says:
When a son divorces after many years of marriage, deciding whether to end – or maintain – a relationship with his former spouse is a thorny dilemma, but there is no expectation of automatic severance out of loyalty, especially when no children are involved. The crux is to strike a balance between supporting one’s child and acknowledging the genuine connection forged with the daughter-in-law over years of shared family life.
Loyalty and Parental support
The urge to support a child through divorce is natural, and many adult children hope for “undivided parental support” during difficult transitions. Loyalty is not a zero-sum commodity; backing a son emotionally does not require immediately severing all connections with his former spouse, particularly if there is no animosity or specific wrongdoing involved. It is important to differentiate active support – listening, encouraging, remainingavailable for one’s child – from performative support, which might include shunning or disparaging an ex-spouse solely to demonstrate allegiance.
The meaningful relationship with a daughter-in-law
A 15-year relationship with a daughter-in-law is not insignificant; over time, genuine friendship and trust may grow between in-laws, apart from the marital tie. Respecting that history, and the authentic bond it created, is not a betrayal but a testament to the maturity of all parties. Beyond family, she may have become a confidant or friend and preserving that connection – at least in some tempered form – echoes maturity and compassion.
Social and emotional boundaries
Healthy boundaries are key for all post-divorce relationships, particularly for in-laws. People can choose to maintain a friendship without overstepping or creating confusion, provided this is done respectfully and with the knowledge of both former spouses. The relationship will change as a matter of necessity, requiring patience and careful renegotiation of its terms. Open communication about boundaries, frequency, and type of contact, and mutual respect can ease potential tensions.
The absence of children
Divorce-related loyalty binds are most acute when young children are involved, causing confusion or pressure to “pick sides” – but in this circumstance, where there are no children, such conflicts are less prominent. This grants greater freedom for adults to preserve or end relationships for their own wellbeing and happiness, rather than for complex familial considerations.
Navigating the path forward
Evaluate your own feelings: Is the daughter-in-law’s continued presence genuinely supportive, or does it provoke stress or confusion for the family?
Encourage openness: Speak to your son about your intentions, making it clear your decision does not reflect a lack of loyalty, but a nuanced approach to relationships.
Communicate boundaries: Share your thoughts with the daughter-in-law – acknowledge the relationship, discuss the future and any necessary adjustments.
Expect change: Even if friendship continues, the relationship will evolve to fit the new circumstances; patience and evolving expectations are vital.
Consider wider family dynamics: Sometimes siblings, friends, or extended family may have opinions, but personal integrity should guide actions.
Cultural and Social Expectations
Social attitudes to divorce have become less rigid – the pressure to “choose sides” is not as acute as it was a generation ago, and maintaining respectful association is seen as dignified rather than disloyal or subversive. Good luck!
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