It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and Dave was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Dave was not in a particularly good mood. When going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant: “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”
“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”
“That’s not why it’s there.”
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man: “Well, Mr Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honour,” replies Mr Jones humbly.
“That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?”
“Just before the store opened.”
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
“How do I get him to sing?” the young man asked excitedly.
“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,” was the shop owner’s reply.
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
“How beautiful!” she exclaimed. “Can he talk?”
“No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.”
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!”
The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night.”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked: “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?”
The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”