Are your ageing parents lonelier than you realise?

Do you have a loved one who is lonely after the death of a spouse or struggling with isolation because of illness or disability? Do you feel lonely yourself thanks to the circumstances life has thrown at you? Ever stopped to think about how common it is, or how you can do something about it?

Loneliness is either something that creeps up on you, and something you might not have really realised has happened until it is everywhere you look; or it is something that hits you with a thud when tragedy happens. And when you do realise it is there, life can, all of a sudden feel terribly empty.

Everyone feels lonely now and again. Experts say the feelings of “forlornness” can actually be inspiring for most people, driving us to do something about it.  But the older people get, the harder it might seem to overcome. And in older loved ones, it is often their not-too-young children that have to help them find a way out.

For my friend’s mum, this is definitely the case. She is 76 and lives two hours from her family. Divorced twice, each time she has left behind a group of life long friends, only keeping a few who stuck with her. Her kids have grown up, and have kids and jobs to juggle, and her husband passed away from cancer eight years ago. She doesn’t work, doesn’t have a hobby, and doesn’t want to travel alone. She says she doesn’t want to make new friends. But my friend knows her mum is lonely. Sometimes she says, there is very little she can do about it but try to assist her in taking steps to overcome these challenges.

Expert, John Cacioppo offers a few tips on how to help older people who might be struggling in a recent article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. He says the important steps to helping someone through loneliness

Recognise that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change.

You, and the older people in your life, don’t have to just live with loneliness. Acceptance of the fact that one is lonely is however the first step in making a change.

Understand the effects that loneliness has on your life, both physically and mentally.

Know how your loved one responds to being lonely. Does loneliness drive them to be more reclusive, or does it manifest in other behaviours? Lethargy, sadness, depression, and self-examination are all ways loneliness can creep into darker places.

Consider how you (or your loved ones) can find new ways to interact.  Doing community service or another activity that you enjoy, or finding a new community to live in.

Community situations present great opportunities to meet people and cultivate new friendships and social interactions.

Find something that suits your loved ones’ mobility, health and interests and go with them to get involved. My aunt volunteers at a local dog shelter cuddling, cleaning up after, and helping with the animals. She is quite healthy and able so this suits her. Her friend volunteers at a hospice, reading and bringing company to those at end of life. And my friend’s father teaches other seniors how to use a computer, edit photos and capture their old slide reels to digital. Another Aunt moved to a serviced apartment in a village at 85, with the support of her children. In good health, she was just finding single life in the suburbs too lonely.

Focus on developing quality relationships with people who share similar attitudes, interests and values with you.

If you do find someone in your loved one’s path that they seem to enjoy the company of, encourage them to embrace it. Encouraging lonely people to step back into relationships with people can be quite challenging, but any time I have done it, my family have dearly enjoyed the company and been surprised how friendships can grow later in life.

Expect the best. Lonely people often expect rejection, so instead focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.

Try to encourage them to have a go. Success breeds success, so bringing a positive and can-do attitude to building and growing new relationships.

This article is sponsored by Retirement by Lend Lease who want to help people in our community openly discuss the issues of caring for and supporting parents who are losing their independence a little. For more information on serviced apartments and lifestyle options, please click here or call 1800 361 371