Relationships

‘Retired Husband Syndrome’: The strains of retirement on your marriage

Apr 15, 2018

Embracing a "new" life together can be hard, however long you've been married.

You spend years crafting your relationship, juggling snippets of quality time with each other with busy work schedules and family committments – so what happens when all that’s gone, and it’s just you two left?

While many couples embrace retirement together with open arms, others find the transition confronting and difficult. Suddenly, your spouse who spent hours every day at the office is under your feet constantly, and you’ve not got the distraction of work to keep you busy.

Without kids and grandkids around to look after, it’s left to you to plan a whole new life together – and with that, many believe there comes a whole new relationship too.

Sian Khuman, practice specialist for therapeutic services at Relationships Australia, told Starts at 60 it’s very common for people to struggle with the “huge change and adjustment” that comes with retirement, as well as an end to work and at-home parenting.

“It is important to recognise that it’s a move into a different life stage and treat it as such,” she explained. “That means it’s important to plan and prepare for it separately and together as a couple. You need to accept it will feel strange and different – there may be feelings of loss.”

It’s certainly far from a negative time for most couples, as they’re suddenly free to enjoy each other’s company again – effectively taking them right back to the start of their relationship when it was just the two of them.

But you can also experience some difficulties. Social forum Gransnet states: “Women struggle so much with their husbands’ behaviour post retirement that we’ve had to give it a name – it’s called Retired Husband Syndrome.”

Indeed, RHS is a real stress condition suffered by women right across the world when their partners give up work, and past studies have found it can result in sleeplessness and even depression, as some women struggle to adapt.

The site adds: “Whether one of you is still working or you have both stopped, retirement turns daily routines, tasks and everyday intimacy upside down.”

A previous study, reported in 2013, found eight in 10 pensioners don’t share the same hobbies and interests as their spouse. Meanwhile, four in 10 of those asked admitted they needed to learn how to live with each other again, now their kids and grandkids had flown the nest.

Meanwhile, 13 per cent admitted they “irritate each other beyond belief”, and according to the Telegraph, Stacey Stothard, corporate communications manager at Skipton Building Society – which conducted the research – said: ”Suddenly, when faced with the prospect of spending 24 hours a day together, seven days a week, without work or the children to talk about, couples can find it hard to adjust.”

Offering advice for couples struggling to come to terms with such a major shift in their relationship, Khuman said it’s worth trying out some new hobbies – whether that’s individually or as a couple – as a new distraction and way to enjoy the new freedom you have.

“Some couples stage their retirement so they have part-time work as a transition,” she explained. “Spending time discussing the change, building hobbies in as the change is occurring is a good idea too.

“Set up daily routines and rituals that are enjoyable. Couples can easily feel separate in this time so it is good to take time to discuss the change and how to support each other.”