Making your second marriage work

“I was scared, nervous and excited all at once. I was about to walk down the aisle for the second time. I thought it would be different, I thought it was less significant so I downplayed everything leading up to our wedding. But as I stood at the back of the church, I felt happier than I had ever felt before…” – Jannet*

The Australian Institute of Family Studies reports that almost one in three Australian couples end in divorce at the moment. The Institute has also found that couples that have been married for 20 years or longer are twice as more likely to get a divorce than those who have been married for less time.

Basically, there are a lot of singles walking around Australia and after a long marriage, starting a new one can be tricky. Understanding the difficulties and benefits of trying marriage a second time around is a good place to help your heart find happiness.

Katie Larkin, a marriage counselor with Vision Counseling and Psychology in Perth suggests that there are actually a whole variety of benefits to starting a second marriage later in life.

When you’ve been in a marriage before, you have experienced the ups and downs and you know your strengths and weaknesses. Larkin suggests that a key benefit is, “You have a stronger sense of self-awareness, of who you are, of what you want and of what is important to you in a relationship.”

Another benefit that Larkin suggests is that people are more likely to be financially stable later in life and this takes away the pressure that younger couples often experience.

On the other hand, one of the biggest difficulties couples entering a second marriage face is the comparison between a previous marriage and the new one. It is common for couples to bring issues from an old relationship into the new one and compare the two relationships against each other.

Larkin says that “while it may cause complications as your new partner may be a very different person with a different set of values, beliefs, idiosyncrasies and communication styles. However there may also be a positive spin on this and that is that it may help you to appreciate and acknowledge when things are working well in your second marriage.”

It is so important to make yourself emotionally free to re-partner before rushing into a second marriage seeking a false sense of security. Kim Olver, author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner and Your Life, suggests that there are ten emotional stages after divorce. And until you have been through all of them, you won’t be free to re-partner and settle down with someone else.

The ten stages are; pain, bitterness, desperation, frustration, despair, exhaustion, determined, hopeful, happy and finally balanced. Until you can recognise that nothing is neither “good” nor “bad” and have come to an understanding and acceptance of what has happened, you probably aren’t ready for a second marriage.

If you’ve reached a stage of acceptance and understanding, then the world is your oyster and you’re ready to find love again. So, if you’re entering a second marriage or are hesitant to go ahead with one, don’t let your negative feelings and concerns stop you from enjoying love if you believe you are ready.

To help you enter into your second marriage happily, Katie Larkin has provided us with her top four tips for new couples who are finding love a second time around…

1) Communication – Ensure that you are both effectively communicating with one another. You may need to learn about each other’s styles of communication. If you are communicating well, this will be a strong step in the right direction.

2) Love and Respect – Make sure you love and respect one another. This is also a good discussion to have prior to marriage. What does respect mean to you? What does love mean to you? How can I show that throughout our relationship?

3) Practicalities – Consider and discuss the practicalities. Where will we live? How will our finances work? Do we need a pre-nuptial agreement? What will be the arrangements for extended family holidays like Christmas?

4) Seek professional guidance – Finally, seek guidance from a professional marriage counsellor. This is a good forum to evaluate and learn about communication styles, including conflict resolution tools and relationship goals. It is a place to discuss emotional and practical topics. It can also provide a safe environment to discuss issues or concerns that you may have prior to marriage with a neutral party.

If you’re entering into a second marriage, make it happy and full of love and respect like you deserve.

Are you in your second marriage? What have been the biggest challenges? What has been the best thing about it? Join our discussion in the comments below…