From difficult memories to funeral fears: Grieving for an ex partner

Overcoming a break-up or divorce is a difficult time for any couple, and moving on from an ex spouse can take years.

However, while you may have found happiness again – perhaps even re-marrying and having more kids with a new partner – hearing the news that your former partner has died can spark a stream of emotions and some unexpected grief.

You may be flooded with memories of your happier times together at the same time as comforting kids who are grieving and need your support. While some people will find it easier to get over their shock quickly, others will struggle a lot more and be hit with great sadness.

That can be hugely difficult to handle and talk about, especially if you’re with somebody else. But experts say it’s essential to be open and not keep it bottled up, as there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Divorce expert, nurse and hypnotherapist Wendi Schuller says: “When your ex-spouse dies, the intensity of your grief can take you by surprise.”

Writing for divorcemag.com, she says the grief process following a divorce can be “reactivated” when an ex partner passes away. She writes: “Even if the former spouse is a dim recollection, their death can trigger a myriad of emotions.

Read more: How to speak to your grandchildren about grief and death

“It can start one on a trip down memory lane with rehashing both the good and troubling ones. Shock may be the first reaction.”

She recommends taking a pause to accept these emotions, before talking them through with a loved one or friend. Most importantly, she advises not to think “I should” be feeling a certain way – as there’s no right way to react.

While some people will undoubtedly be hit with raw grief, others may not feel as much sadness as they may have expected. After speaking to a few people, Schuller admitted some felt “absolutely nothing” as they’d become so distant from their past by then.

Meanwhile, she says others reacted in the opposite way, adding: “People can be devastated when learning about their former spouse’s passing. This death firmly closes the door to fantasies of reuniting when one has carried a glimmer of hope for their ex’s return.”

Starts at 60 readers shared their own experiences after losing an ex partner, with many saying they’d struggled with the news, and chose to attend the funeral, while others disagreed.

Read more: The vital first steps to take when a loved one passes away

One reader said: “I attended my first husband’s funeral as our son didn’t feel comfortable going to sort out his father’s things and attend the funeral alone. I had been married to my first husband around two years.

“It was rather disturbing to find among my ex’s things personal items of mine like an address book and letters that had disappeared when we split up. I tried to stay in the background well out of the way but my ex’s sister kept pulling me forward into the family group.”

Another added: “I would go only because I would finally have peace,” while another added: “I have never had to do it but I should imagine it would be hard.”

One problem many people may face is deciding whether to attend the funeral of a former spouse or partner, especially if the relationship ended on difficult terms or the person isn’t on good terms with their ex-partner’s family. 

Read more: Family feuds and funerals: The tricky task of saying goodbye without a fight

If you have children with the deceased person, you may not want them to attend, believing they’re either too young. Or you may wish to attend yourself to support older children who are attending the funeral.

According to online estate planning platform Everplans, there is no “right” answer to any of these problems regarding a former spouse’s send-off. It recommends you make contact with their immediate family in advance to talk it through, and discuss your plans as amicably as possible.

Did you struggle with your grief after the death of an ex partner? Did you choose to attend their funeral?