The end of an affair: Do the adult kids or grandkids need to know?

Discovering your spouse or partner has cheated is many people’s worst nightmare, with many couples unable to get past the betrayal.

But those who manage to forgive and move on, the troubles don’t necessarily end there, because after coming to terms with your own grief, you’re faced with another difficult decision – do you tell your kids, grandkids and the wider family about the upset in the relationship? Or do you keep it quiet and endure any uncomfortable moments or unintended hurt some comments may cause?

Experts say there’s no right answer, but the decision either way shouldn’t be taken lightly, as an affair can easily impact loved ones in ways you may not foresee, possibly destroying their faith in a relationship they’d taken for granted as rock-solid, and even causing long-term friction between the unfaithful partner and their adult children or even their older grandchildren.

While some couples will discover their partner’s betrayal through a third party – whether that be a child who found out the truth by accident, or the other man or woman involved deciding to tell all – others will find out themselves, and be left alone with the decision on whether to share their pain with their family.

According to psychiatrist and relationships counsellor Scott Haltzman, “there is a cultural hush around infidelity” and there’s an ongoing debate over when, or even if, it’s right to tell adult kids or grandkids about a parent’s lies. Writing for Psychology Today, he said many couples don’t initially wish to tell relatives, as they believe it will leave them “emotionally harmed”, as their illusion of the cheater is destroyed.

Read more: What does it take to survive an affair?

Marriage and family therapist Susan Berger agreed, saying that “once discovered, you and your partner may regard the affair as a shameful secret that must be kept at all costs. Some couples do not disclose the affair to anyone, including extended family.”

She said many people became anxious when imagining the “shock, disappointment, criticism, and even rejection that might follow disclosure”, while others might worry about added pressure from their family to make a decision on whether to forgive their spouse or not.

As if that wasn’t enough, she said some even worry about protecting their cheating partner’s reputation, and worry that it will alter how people see them, especially if they choose to remain with the unfaithful spouse.

That said, many do choose to be upfront with loved ones. Haltzman said, and of those who do, many argue that it was better to explain the unusual tension family may sense in the home.

“The simple answer to this question is that there is no simple answer to this question,” he wrote. But he added the caution that “if parents choose to say that an extramarital affair occurred, the information needs to be age-appropriate”.

Read more: ‘Stab in the heart’: Eric Clapton’s ex on discovering affairs and secret kids

He pointed out that most young children don’t understand the complexities of adult relationships, only that parents should be affectionate with each other. It takes until most children are at least 10 before they’re able to understand that that affection may be dependent on other aspects of a relationship.ears.

While Haltzman argued that lies can be “devastating” if discovered at a later date, he added that “I think it’s also a mistake, though, to conclude that all children should be told about an affair”.

He advised anyone in this situation to take step back and establish why they’re telling a child about the affair, to ensuring they’re not using them to hurt the spouse. The decision to tell can be based on the likelihood the adults see of them being able to move on as a couple – if it’s likely, it’s often best to keep it secret, but if that doesn’t appear possible, he said both parents should sit down together to explain what happened in terms children can understand.

Berger agreed it must be a well-thought out decision, and concluded that “it is important for you and your partner to evaluate the pros and cons of sharing what has happened with each important person in your lives, weighing the possible benefits and risks.

“Something to consider is that in general, the more secret something is kept, the more shameful it becomes.”

Have you decided to keep a spouse’s affair secret from your family? What made you decide to do so? Alternatively, if you did speak out, do you have any regrets?